Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[PsySara]

ForGump,
Haven't tried martial arts, I was thinking more along the lines of running or calisthenics? A way to get an endorphin/natural antidepressant flowing.

BluWave,
I am trying to find a way to harness my anger into a constructive outlet. Instead of letting it control me and flailing out, causing destruction; I ned to let it flow through me and then use it as a directive force. I am hard on myself because my kids deserve the best mom, a raging out of control woman is not that mom. Lately I've been using it to remind me not to pursue, not to chase, not to REACT every time he fails to be a husband to me. I let it put a brick in the wall to my detachment. I've become clincal and aloof towards him, I have started viewing him as an unstable patient that needs to be understood but not necessarily trusted as far as the truth is concerned.

Dory,
I am being very careful to only purchase a house that I can support on my own income if necessary. At this time I am planning for the worst (and kind of neutral about hoping for the best lol). WH wavers back and forth daily on wanting this house or that, I've just steadily looked for some specifics and been honing down the selection with those specifications in mind. Most importantly I've focused on the local schools and which areas provide the top education. It's funny you mention the ways to manage anger in a business setting, that's exactly what I've been doing lately. It can be tricky when you're in your own home and thus your "safe space" is no longer safe.

Vanilla,
You're spot-on about the reactive nature of my anger, that's what I've been trying to deal with it. Anger is an emotion but reaction is a behavior. My behavior needs to change, for me and for my children. Before the affair I was a master at controlling my reactivity, after the affair was uncovered I lost control, utterly. My children heard me scream, rage, curse, they saw me sit on the floor (heavily pregnant) and sob uncontrollably. At one point my daughter hugged me repeatedly asking me what was wrong. I am so horrified that she was seeing her mom fall apart. She looked so confused and hurt. The one thing I can be...well not proud of but at least less ashamed, when I punched walls and broke things I was alone.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and compassion. This WAS/WH thing can really play a number on your self confidence and identity. It has made me question my self worth, my ability to really "see" people as they are. I never, in a million years, thought I would be in a relationship with infidelity and I NEVER thought I would be fighting to rebuild a marriage with someone who betrayed me so horribly. Lately I've decided that I have to let go of the end result. If we divorce then we divorce. I will do everything in my power to mitigate the damage to my children and be their rock. But I can no longer wait for WH to get a clue, I will move forward and if he still stands in the same spot I may have to cut the rope and move on completely.