I am the most peaceful person, with very little anger, it isn't my go too.
This stuff you are experiencing will try a saint, and even V had her shadow part called screaming banshee.
Know this it is REACTIVE anger and SITUATIONAL anger. In the way you describe it is abuse and it can stop.
There is quite a bit on the abuse thread about this reaction.
There are some discussions on other threads about this, I will link for you separately. Some thoughts on flooding too.
I believe the origin of the anger you feel is in childhood and like Dorey it is brave of you to open up about this, it is your FOO, at some point, I suggest digging deep to examine it, for this a counsellor can help one who specialises in childhood trauma.
Some FOO is very readily healed, it is never ever the childs fault or responsibility. Not ever, not once, for the behaviour of the adults around them. Children are never to blame for it, the anger in the childs life (your childhood) correctly belongs to others and can be given back where it belongs. That lonely, hurt, angry and thwarted child needs TLC and love and hugs and soothing and protecting. I have no doubt whatsoever that sadness and frustration of a violent and hostile childhood home creates trauma. Some of that trauma is like being in a war zone, children have no control and it's unfair and damaging. Truly truly awful to grow up in that way. I could go really hurt the parents and adults who allowed that to happen to the precious little bundle called Sara.
These traumas are called ACES (Adverse Childood Experiences) and the more you have in childhood then the worse the trauma and health outcome (There is a test you can do on ACES- Google ACES high). Let me tell you that the predisposition is in my opinion not your fault. Not ever, not once and you have been very sorely tested in your M. Really and truly.
You say it has to stop then it can be.
Sara, let me once again discuss extreme care with you, looking after you and that wonderful little Sara who is within you who had such a tough time when she was young. She and you need extra special care, extra things to build you up and to move you to healing.
I am going to suggest:
This will mean calling on your caring support team, good safe friends who can be there during your medical treatment for the virus.
An uber intensive nutritional plan, food high in nutrition (I chose the Eat Glow Nourish method), and there are lots out there to choose from, supplements, juices etc. Blood tests for nutritional numbers, hormonal numbers and for parasites.
Gentle exercise and perhaps massage, pampering, hair, skin, nails, sauna etc. Whatever it is that appeals.
Rest and great sleep, help on that if needs be, a peaceful bed time, music, candles, new bed linen. Even a few nights away with friends and a health farm. Whatever you need.
Some quality healing time with family and friends.
This every day and intensive.
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Sweet Sara wrap yourself in your own love, hold yourself very dear and let your higher power heal you and lovely little Sara within you.
Please understand that once that self love and self care starts to flow into your spirit that anger will be white. I think your red anger arises because you feel angry you are angry. It hurts to be angry and that anger and frustration you turn against the wall or door injuring yourself. It's ok to direct that anger against those who in your childhood did not protect you, you as an adult can protect you.
What would you say to those unfeeling adults who directed their anger towards a child? An innocent child with no way of holding her own against brutality. What would you do? You would stop that awfulness, you would tell that wonderful gift of Sara, these adults will never do that to you again. You would say I can and will protect you little Sara and once again over and over until you know it. You would look at that child with love and joy to say Little Sara despite all, you are an adult, a success, with a career, and delightful children of your own. Little Sara you were strong and have stopped this awful abuse from moving to another generation, it was hard, and you protected and loved your children in all the ways that were denied you as a child.
Little Sara you became a wonderful mother and tender and kind to your children and you have compassion for yourself. You learned, you grew and you became the one.
That is what I see in you.
Big big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
