So I am new to board. My wife and I have been having issues for about a year now and I just found out about the affair two weeks ago. I have had my suspicions for about 6 months and two weeks ago I finally had the evidence I needed. Luckily I found this board and the books and have read both of them. I have implemented the 37 rules and hopefully that will work. The WW is still having the affair and I know has talked to him on the phone and been out with him at least once. After a week of pursing and pleading to end the affair I have given up and implemented the principles in the book. Christmas is right around the corner and I plan on taking the kids to family events by myself. She is not happy about this and has asked me to reconsider as it will upset the kids. Any feedback? We are sleeping in the same house separate rooms, so we will both be there Christmas morning. Also should we tell the kids anything ? They are 11 , 8, and 4.
Some of these stories just amaze me. "Hey, I'm going to have an affair, but let's play pretend husband and wife for the kids." Crazy.
How long has the affair been going on for sure? Is it an EA or PA? Has she asked for divorce? What is your family life now around the kids? Still same house, same room, same bed?
I agree. I thought my wife was crazy until I got on here and she acts like all the other WW. I don't know how long the affair has been going on for sure. From what I gathered it was about a two month EA and a 6 month PA based on my snooping phone records and going back looking at the calendar on dates she was gone and matching that up with the phone records. The guy is a couple friend of ours so that makes it even harder. I think it got physical after we went on a weekend vacation with them. The night I exposed her she didn't want to give me details because she said it didn't matter if we were just going to get a divorce. All summer since that vacation was miserable. We had the normal talks of no connection , she is not happy, doesn't love me anymore and she didn't have the desire to try to work in our marriage. This was all hard on me and she even went to counseling , not sure for what if she was in a PA. I had asked her to go to MC but she said she wanted to go by herself to figure her out. Since the first night there has not been talk of divorce. The next day I asked her if she was going to stop the affair and she said she didn't know. By the end of the first week I wrote her a letter and she said she knows what she is doing is wrong and would stop it. That didn't last long as two nights later she went out and didn't come home until the next morning . That night I found this site and stopped all pleading, etc and haven't talked much. I feel like our family life is fine at home now things are out in the open and I am not acting like a puppy dog trying to get her attention. Same house, different bedrooms. This site gives me hope, but she continues to talk to the guy. The worst part is I have to see him at many of the kids events. I haven't approached him yet though , we have just stayed away from each other .
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
That's for sure. I told her after she didn't come home that last night that I didn't care if she hurts me, I am a big boy. But she is hurting our kids and they will never forget that. Going out all the time and not coming home, the kids notice and are wondering where there mom is and why she is not home when they wake up. She seems to understand that as she said she was sorry and she knows she is hurting the kids. But actions speak louder than words and she continues to talk to him and I am sure seeing him behind my back. She is a stay at home mom and has a lot of time on her hands. Like people say, it's and addiction and she is addicted and can't control it.
Me:39 WW: 39 Kids: 11,8,4 Married: 15 years Together 17 years PA discovered November 2016 Separated living in same house - ended 1/2017 Separated, kids in house, taking turns staying in house
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
That's for sure. I told her after she didn't come home that last night that I didn't care if she hurts me, I am a big boy. But she is hurting our kids and they will never forget that. Going out all the time and not coming home
Are you OK with this? It seems that you haven't said stop or else. As others have said on here, she is really eating her cake because you are giving her the impression that you don't care if she is seeing someone else while she is married to you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The WW is still having the affair and I know has talked to him on the phone and been out with him at least once.
I had to go back and read this one again - are you saying that you went out with him? I don't know how you did it...I told the OM that if I ever saw him I'd break his legs. Period.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
No, I am not ok with this. But I really have no control of this. I am trying to wait it out and hope she gets out of the fog. I have set up some boundaries like telling her I will not do Christmas activities with her that I will do my family stuff alone and she will do her stuff alone as long as there is still contact with him. It has involved our kids as well. He coaches one of our kids in baseball and I have told my wife our son will have to quit. She said I am taking it out on our son and it isn't his fault and I should let him play and that she wouldn't talk to him at the games. I said no, he will not play baseball with the guy that potentially has ruined our marriage. What else am I supposed to do if she refuses to stop it. I want to make this work, so I am waiting. I can't force her out of the house.
Me:39 WW: 39 Kids: 11,8,4 Married: 15 years Together 17 years PA discovered November 2016 Separated living in same house - ended 1/2017 Separated, kids in house, taking turns staying in house
