So confused

[JRuss]

I see/hear this a lot from the WWs -- that if only you'd gotten "it" sooner, and started making the changes you're now making, it all would have been fine, and you'd still be happily married. This is hot garbage. It is their way of making everything your fault. Not all of it is your fault, maybe even not most of it. Some of it is, guaranteed. Your task is to figure out the things you want to change -- because they'll pop back up and ruin any future R if you don't -- and change them, with no regard for what they'll do for your current R. That's the hardest part -- not doing it "for" her but for yourself, but that distinction is key. And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.