The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

It's funny how slowly a change happens without being noticed. Going back over the past few years since my daughter was born, I can clearly see that change in my ex. she showed me a recent pic of her and the kids together and even though she was posing, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. I worry about her. I really do.

I've come to realize more and more that I'm not blaming her for her actions. Sure, the blame rests squarely on her shoulders, but I do believe that she is a product of her environment. As another poster said, I do have a respect for her as a person and to some extent as a mom. I think that she tries, but she is only trying to the best of her ability. And that's a sad thing to watch.

I've also noticed gradual change in her as of late, too. She is shifting back to her behavior from the time in our early marriage and just before. And that is totally catching me off-guard. And, she has started emailing me more, too. Little things that she thinks I would like. Not a lot, but certainly a lot more than when there was basically no contact outside of the children. What this all means, I don't know. There was a time when I would have gotten my hopes up, but that is no longer. This weekend that branch and open door was ignored. Sigh. Oh well, it is what it is.

As I've said before, she will always be part of me and my day - whether I want her to or not. Some nights I count the textures in the ceiling. Some nights I sleep well. I can rest on the fact that at the time I did the best that I could, and I can't be faulted for that.

I can reminisce now without tears filling my eyes. But yes, it still hurts and I guess it always will. There really isn't forgetting of what happened - the pictures can't be unseen, the words can't be unread, and what's been said can't be unsaid. It will always be there and part of my life for the rest of the time that I am on this planet.

As has been said so many times, we have to learn to live with it. And that's what I've done. But those demons will always be there. And that is something I don't know how to get rid of.