Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[PsySara]

My apologies for the delayed responses, I've been looking at houses to buy (rent for now) and also buried in work.

Today I woke at 4 am with vomiting and diarrhea non-stop. I had to go to work so I could discharge some patients but then came home immediately afterward. WH took me to work and brought me home. I thanked him for this and he responded, "This is nothing, you took me in for my kidney stones and that was a much more difficult thing for you." He is talking about the fact that I took him to the ER 2 days after I found out about the affair. I stayed with him the whole time and even diagnosed him. (the docs were saying there was no kidney stone, I pulled up his CT scan and found a HUGE stone in his ureter, they were massively embarrassed) The girl's night out is not going to happen for me tonight as I am still VERY sick.

Otherwise I have been living with him as a roommate. No R or M talks, he sometimes temp checks asking me what I am thinking or feeling but I don't give much of a response, just "Nothing." or "I'm fine." I just don't have any energy left for him. My coach feels it's a good thing if I don't even argue if WH brings up his feelings or thoughts, just agree with them. I completely okay with that. If he says he was deeply in love with OW or whatever, just agree. I am so numb right now that will be easy.

The nightmares have returned and I usually wake around 4 am and can't get back to sleep. These are the times when the anger chokes me and I want to punch WH in the face. Interestingly enough when I get up and get ready for the day this feeling leaves, I go back to numbness. When we are spending time with the kids together I feel like I am looking at a neighbor or something, just kind of "meh." I am starting to picture a future without him and it's not causing the deep amount of pain as before.

I have an IC session this Thursday (if my stomach starts behaving) and will focus on healing myself and moving forward.

V,
I am re-reading your posts and trying to learn from them. My problem with anger is more about my actions when I am angry. I grew up in a violent household and my childhood memories are ones filled with fear and sadness. When I become very angry I tend to regress and start punching walls and stuff. I had refrained from that until the Affair happened and I have regressed considerably, I actually fractured my hand last year because of this. This is unacceptable, I need to be able to feel my anger without becoming violent. My children deserve MUCH better than this.

Surfer,
I used to run but now it's become extremely challenging to find the time. I will look at my schedule and try to move some things around because physical work outs are fantastic mood stabilizers. In the meantime I will be scheduling a massage to help with my neck pain.