Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 6)

[JRuss]

Your counselor has never told you why you allow your W to control how you feel and act?

With all due respect, that's not really how therapy works. At least not good IC.

Man your W owns you, body & soul.

If you say so. You may be right. But you might also benefit from an exercise in empathy. Really try to understand the in-house separation dynamic -- with children -- from the LBS's perspective, where the spouse is not the WW you were but is instead just sort of "done", but still right there, still at times moving closer (albeit running away soon thereafter), at times talking about a future, and others just really "done". But not really doing much to move the ball along. It's as far from anything you've ever experienced that I think this would be a hard but worthwhile exercise for you and might temper some of the harsher phrasing you use here as you try to help people. I have been very upfront in terms of how difficult I have found detachment to be. This is not to say that your standard advice to LBSs of "manning up" and reclaiming our status as the respected head of household doesn't have merit and isn't the end goal many of us are striving for, but it might help you to really try to understand why progress can be so slow and uneven, and our efforts can be prone to mistakes.

I find it difficult to understand how a woman can treat a man the way she has acted with you........and he desire her so much. That doesn't make sense. It sounds as if you don't believe you deserve anything better.

Everyone here deserves better. Your husband deserved better. The question everyone has to answer is how long each of us tries to build a new relationship with their partner -- with the goal of having and building better (not returning to the status quo) -- and how they go about doing it. It goes at various speeds for people. People make mistakes and suffer setbacks in their efforts. Again and again, depending on the person, their living situation and a whole host of other variables. Your marriage was saved because you realized you'd behaved like a monster, felt true guilt, and your husband was willing to take you back when many would not have done so. Do you really think he ever stopped desiring you and wanting things to work out, though? No. Had he, you could have said you were sorry a million times and it would not have mattered. He did things to facilitate you coming to the place -- self disgust and real remorse -- you came to. Those things he did are are hard. Very hard. You saw what he did, but you don't have any idea how hard it is. You can't, at least not until/if your husband leaves you one day, and it comes as a complete surprise to you, and you decide you don't want your marriage to end without a fight. I don't know if your husband suffers from any sort of depression or anxiety, but it further complicates things as you try to implement all of the various self-help, behavioral changes and all of the rest. And then there are the kids. Most of us, myself included, would throw themselves in front of a bus if they had to in order to save them; living in a terrible relationship -- especially if there's still any hope you can improve it -- doesn't seem like nearly so much as that, so we persist, in many cases long past the point where there's any real chance of changing the marriage, because it's better for the kids that way.

Was this scenario what you watched with your parents?

No. My parents were high school sweethearts who've been in love with each other since they were 16 years old.

Perhaps only a therapist can help you with why you struggle with these issues, and how to get control over your own thoughts.

Again, this shows a lack of understanding about the nature of IC and the nature of thoughts. The struggle, yes, my IC can and does help me with that. Thoughts can't be controlled, though. Try it right now. Try to think for any amount of time only those thoughts you intend to think and make yourself not think anything that isn't 100% intended. I guarantee you cannot do it. No one can. Not even the Buddha! You may not have the sort of toxic, fearful, sad, anxious or painful thoughts in that time frame that LBSs and/or those with anxiety/depression tend to be bombarded with, but you won't be in charge of the output, whatever that output ends up being. What we do with our thoughts, techniques that can be used to help us when they are painful -- many of us have to spend a large amount of time learning and then applying those techniques (IC can help here). But whatever thoughts our minds create? No. We are not in control of those any more than we are in control of what enzyme our pancreas is secreting at any given moment.