I think there will always be pain. Always. One can't ever truly get over bad things that happen in marriages, and deep-down we all know it. There is all be something that sets off a feeling, whether it be missing or heartache or hatred. Always. We can never forget of unthink things.
That's me. I'm in a great place. I don't talk to my ex but only about the kids. However, we spent all day together yesterday. I must say that she was so much like her old self that it wasn't funny. I also extended the branch and let her know the door was open - and once again she declined to walk through it.
I know, some are asking how I can do that with Harley Quinn sitting on my other shoulder. That's both easy and tough to answer. I'm not even sure how to go there but to say that maybe if the ex wanted to try again that I'd say yes. I would - IF and only IF she truly got the counseling she needs...and let it work as intended. Yes, I would. My ceiling has all sorts of texture. I lost count last night.
Undeniably there is still a lot in the tank for the ex. And always will be. I won't even begin to say otherwise. As I have said so many times, I don't hold a lot of things against her - at least not any more. She is a product of her childhood - and its almost like, to some extent, that she is trapped within those confines. I still think about all the things my IC (who was also our MC) said even after I stopped going - that it's like she is stuck in her child-like survival ways.
However, at the same time, I realize that there isn't anything I can do. Our divorce is final and the only thing she shows towards our relationship is trying to remain friends...which is something we have never had trouble doing. I'm getting that gut feeling again that she is seeing someone else. It is what it is. Can't look back, only forward. But we can reminisce.
Part of me struggles with Harley Quinn looming. I told her that I'm not sure that I have anything in the tank to give her. I'm also not sure of what led to this insane reattachment/attraction to her again - was it from the loneliness/pain of the divorce or was it something deeper? I find myself asking that. I don't want to hurt her once again. As I said in the Harley intro, I didn't give her the chance that she needed and deserved.
I won't compare Harley and my ex, but there really couldn't be two more polar opposites - and also alike in so many ways. It's odd what would send me to one or the other. Harley's in her mid 30s now and has mellowed quite a bit since we dated. Something that I'm glad to see. I don't know what to expect, heck, I don't know what to expect out of myself. But the fact that she is coming is large and I'm not sure of the implications of it all. Maybe its a good thing. Maybe its not.
An awesome person told that if two people love each other, then why stay apart. It's been 10 years since I told Harley Quinn that. That is a long time. It's funny the things one comes across when they look. A lot of things have flooded back about that our relationship...I told her that I regretted the way things ended and that I never gave her the chance she deserved. Maybe that's why she is coming.
Honestly, I don't know what to think. Part of me will always love my ex-wife...and whoever - if any - I am with will have to accept that she will always be part of me. No, its not like I'm pining or the like, but she was a very significant part of me and the mother to my children. I think its a good thing that Harley Q lives so far away, well for now, at least.
