The goal has always been to make the changes I could make and convince my W that there was value in trying to rebuild a relationship that could work for both of us, allow us not to put the kids through a divorced life, etc.
IMHO, whenever the H makes changes as to persuade/convince his W they have a M worth saving.................he is defeating himself. First of all, I believe women have intuition. His W reads his changes to be emotional pressure.......which is true. He is making improvements in hopes they will appease the W and bring about certain results. When it doesn't produce the results he worked so hard to get, he feels rejected. It causes him to feel emotionally exhausted.
JRuss, you have been relunctant to detach. There are some DB actions that you just cannot believe will work positivitely. That is why you are told that DB is counterintuitive. I believe you are afraid to detach. That is a problem you have not conquered, and I think it is b/c you may not have the correct concept about DB detaching.
Detaching is all about your focus and how you relate your actions to your W. I think I sent you a shorter version of detachment, but maybe I didn't. If you could narrow it down to which number in the detaching post is the most difficult for you........then we would know the exact one. Otherwise, it sounds more like you can't really tell us, ........which looks kind of like you just don't want to even try it.
Sometimes, it takes the newcomer seeing that his way is not working, before he finally accepts a different way. So, if you are still determined to stay emotionally attached to your W, I don't see much positive change for your M down the road. I think the only hope is for you to drop the rope while you still have a chance.
Make your best version of JRuss for yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
