Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 6)

[JRuss]

Thanks, darknes.

I've been at this a long, long time (almost two years). The goal has always been to make the changes I could make and convince my W that there was value in trying to rebuild a relationship that could work for both of us, allow us not to put the kids through a divorced life, etc. I feel stuck because I've been at this a long time, have made a tremendous amount of personal progress, but none of it has mattered at all from my W's perspective. I'm in a better place, but the marriage is not.

I guess I've been reluctant to act like the cordial roommate because it feels like more and more distance, while I long/hope for increased connection. I realize that DBing is counterintuitive, but it has never felt "right" not to be actively trying to be a better and better spouse; to show her. As I type that, though, I guess that's pursuit/smothering? At the end of the day, it's as if I've shown her my best version -- my personal ceiling -- and it's really just confirmed for her that she wants to see if there's someone better out there. She's going slow -- for my benefit and for the kids' benefit, but she's going.