The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

Nighttime is the worst. That's when the demons come out. Somehow I always end up staring at the ceiling, and it's always the same. No matter if someone is there or not. The handoff Friday night was great - in many ways she was her old self...touching, laughing, joking, and just carrying on like things never happened. That is the worst for me. Because I know that things won't ever come back or return to what they were. Yet it's times like that when I really miss her.

People always told me that it's not good to reminisce, but a wise man once told me that it's ok and to have feelings. I do believe that door will always remain open for her, even though I know deep down that she will never walk through it. I've done a lot of soul searching recently and come to realize that maybe we were better friends than anything else. But part of me will always love her. Sigh. It is what it is. I don't hate her any more, but feel sorry for her in that her mind is plagued by more demons than I could count. She's a good person. She really is...it's just that she can't get past some things. That door will always be open.

I'm still finding myself. And maybe that's what Harley Quinn is doing. We had a good talk Saturday night and she came out and said that she's coming because she must - that there are some questions that have been unsanswered for so long and that she wants to see. No expectations. Just to see. And that she missed me. However, she won't stay at the house because she won't be part of where the ex was...which is fine, so I got us a B&B roughly an hour or so away in a place we have been many times. I'm not sure if I'll ever turn the corner on relationships again, and she understands. But we have this history that's undeniable. I guess I have to find out, too.