Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[J5K]

Sara,

I am just catching up on your sitch.

Bippy,
It's very possible that I am becoming a WAS, I can see how that would happen. So instead of making a hasty decision (file for divorce and/or kick WH out) I am just going to return to working on myself and leave WH to his own devices. In one year if he is still this stagnant then I think I will sever the marriage contract since the marriage itself was killed. Why one year? Because I think two years is plenty of time to see change. I can't raise my kids in a loveless and unauthentic marriage.

It doesn't matter if you are becoming the WAS. Do what is right for you. As others have stated, you have done a great amount of homework in trying to save your M and an amazing job at DB. No matter how good the DB person is, the other S has to play a role in saving the M, whether it is a different M or not.

I feel like you and I have very similar situations with the fact that we have small children and work and I can relate to your need to fix things and the anger and frustration you feel when your S continues to not care about the changes you are making and work you are putting in. We don't want to let go.

One more year is a good goal. Who knows maybe YOU will decide sooner than a year but you will know when YOU want to drop the rope completely.

Surfer,
One of the things I've read over and over again ni self help and marriage saving books is to pay attention to your spouse's complaints and see if there is merit. I think WH's view that I have serious anger issues has merit. So I am going to work on how I express anger, at this time I still have to find reliable self soothing techniques. I need to do this so my kids are raised by a raging mother, they need to feel safe and stable. I've started reading about it and I have an IC session this week and this will be one of my goals.

I get this part also. I also do not want to be a raging father. That is why it is important to focus on you and pamper yourself. When you are happy your kids will be happy.

Vanilla,
I think I am presenting myself wrong or something. I am not feeling rebellious or defiant, simply letting go of the rope finally. WH is still swinging and frankly, so am I. I had become so wrapped up in his reactions (and was becoming VERY reactive myself) that I was losing my way. My GAL has been lax and my self care has been crap. So I decided to lay a new foundation, I scheduled myself IC for my emotional and psychological healing and then started scheduling more relaxing and fun activities for myself. We all have our ways of self care, mine just tend to be more sedate than others, lol. I want to type more but the baby just woke and is yelling for food.

Self care is more than just IC. You may still be searching for the perspective that will draw your H closer. I think I have been doing the same thing. Please do not take this the wrong way, your efforts are commendable and honorable. If the other half doesn't want it though, what can you do about it? Take care of you!

(((Sara)))