Sandi - I've been working on true detachment and continue to struggle with her ambivalence. She's enjoying the material benefits of married life but not working on the marriage. Is this a futile path or should I work at it longer? It could be looked at as a negative that we are not separated so it doesn't hurt enough for her. Should I initiate that to establish my boundary that not working on things is not ok? Thank you.
I had written out the post when it dawned on me that I may not have interpreted what you mean. So, I hope it doesn't confuse anyone.
I think you and I may be using the word "work" with different definitions. You are saying she is not "working on the M". You say you returned to the counselor as a last attempt b/c she won't work on the M. I think you mean she won't do what is needed to save it. She doesn't want to work on it b/c she doesn't care about saving it. Sometimes I forget or miss an update. Has she ended the affair with OM?
When I use the word "work", I am referring to the actions needed after her remorseful apology, etc. We can't force a spouse to work on the MR. Detaching is important, and GAL. I am a firm believer in setting boundaries. If the spouse is in an affair, living like girls gone wild, or some other action you feel is inappropriate and dishonors you as a man, H, or father............then effective boundaries are a must, if you are ever going to have a chance at a successful MR. If your spouse is in an affair........don't expect to see her "working" on the M. There are other actions that must take place before the couple start working at rebuilding their MR. She has to end the affair; apologize for the destruction she has caused; take responsibility for her actions; express remorse; be willing to do whatever is necessary to save the M. Otherwise, she is not going to suddenly start working with you on the MR. These other things are absolutely necessary to have a correct starting place for her to push up her sleeves and get down to really working. People forget that good relationships don't just happen without work. That especially is true in M. It goes double when healing from an affair. You have to heal, and she has to do a lot of chang within herself.
If the wayward wife is truly remorseful, and agrees to work on the MR.........then I believe there needs to be a plan of action in how and what needs to be done. If nothing is done to get the couple back on the right track........then her remorse and agreement will be forgotten and her waywardness will continue at some level. At best, the couple will live separate lives under the same roof, with no intimacy in the relationship.
By saying they need a plan, I am referring to things like knowing what conditions you will give, when she agrees to work on the M, like.......transparency; her becoming informed about the addiction of affairs; attending a therapist who specializes in couples healing from affairs; These are just a few of my suggestions, and you will have other things to add (like expecting her to sleep in the same bed with you, etc). The point, however, is to present your conditions when she asks what will she have to do for you to take her back. If she will not agree to do what you need to heal from her betrayal, then the problem will not be resolved and her lack of respect will probably continue.
Btw, do not tell her what will be required from her.........Unless she has done the things I said in the first paragraph. I just cringe when a H volunteers to tell his W what she will have to do to work on the M, when she has not even ended her affair. He needs to wait until he gets a remorseful apology and she takes responsibility for the betrayal and agrees to work.
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It could be looked at as a negative that we are not separated so it doesn't hurt enough for her. Should I initiate that to establish my boundary that not working on things is not ok?
Are you asking me if you should stop or take away some of the benefits of the M? Not sure what you mean in the second sentence. If you are asking if she should lose some of her benefits b/c she is having an A or behaving in some way that is very disrespectful, then I would say yes. I just don't know how you mean to use it to establish your boundary that not working on the M is not okay. What is your boundary? Is it that you will not live with a cheater, or you will not stay in an open M? Whatever your boundary is........then there should be some type of consequence if it is dishonored. Your boundary is established when you actually say it out loud to her. The effectiveness is when you carry through with what you said when you stated it. That is why I asked what exactly is your boundary? You can't just say it's not okay. She will laugh in your face, or shrugg it off. Am I making sense? Yes, the consequence should be strong enough that she actually notices and knows why, without you sitting down to explain.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
