Its been a really hard week and my head has been filled with so many jumbled thoughts and emotions, all bouncing around, one minute up and the next down, generally down tho' and that is why I feel the need to get them out or they will just fester away ......which I know is not healthy and will lead to bigger problems. Its long, so I do apologize and for those who have the stamina and oodles of spare time to read it, I thank you xoxo
Thoughts: After BD1 I sunk in to a pool of mess, totally distraught and destroyed, my heart broken and I could not work out how I was going to survive or live. It took me a year to get myself together enough to function, and even then it was only because I was thrown in to doing it. I was still very much hurting and moving though the days, feeling sad, down and stressed.
Then he came back in to my life, he changed it, he gave me hope, a reason to keep going forwards. I loved having him back in my life, I looked forward to hearing from him, our friendship grew, we laughed, we joked, we flirted, we talked, he listened, he supported. But all that time I still felt like I was just moving through the days, that life held no joy in it, it was just ….life …. a year later he crossed the line from friendship in to relationship and my emotions and feeling crossed the line with him. (I know we say keep expectations at zero, but that is so much easier said than done when you have him in front of you saying and doing everything he can to make you fall in love with him again).
So now I have BD2, it’s been 3 weeks since he left and whilst I am in control of the practical side of life; a job, car etc, the feelings of grief, the worry over what the future holds for me and even just how I am going to get through the day is very much present and causing me pain, sadness and stress.I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with an empty, nausea feeling in my stomach, I am emotional and the feelings and tears bubble up from the depths without notice. I can’t seem to find joy in life …..on reflection I am not sure that it ever came back after BD1, I just found a way to live with the “down” feelings.
I don’t feel its depression, I function on a daily basis, I interact with others, I have hopes and dreams for the future – taken on board kml’s idea of making a dream board, I have a large one and am going to put different things on it; pictures of things I would like to have, places I would like to visit, ideas of what I would like my future life to look like. Inspirational quotes on it to look at every day and I will change them periodically. Photos of my children, friends and fun times. It will hopefully serve as a tool to help me carry on breathing.
I can’t see HOW anything is ever going to change, I live pay check to pay check, I don’t earn enough to save anything to make a difference, I am doubting myself more and more; perhaps my mother was right; I am not academic and I am not pretty, so what hope do I have? I did not complete High School (mother said I was not clever enough to continue so took me out and packed me off to be a live in nanny) and I attracted a broken man into my life. It makes me even more conscious of how unattractive I must be when people say to me “he is lucky you did not find someone else” when he came back in to my life, and now its “ you can move on now, you will find someone else in no time”. Um ... it was not luck on his part I did not find someone else, it was that I had no interest from anyone else – the only ones I got was a man from my childhood declaring he has always loved me, but he creeps me out, and a guy at my old job who has asked all the female staff out, wanting no more than a quickie –ugh.
I can’t see another man in my future, for one, I am still hung up on h, I still believe this is not him(especially after seeing glimpses of the kind, loving, caring guy he used to be) and maybe this touch n go is a sign to hang in there a while longer and he will attempt again, I have read that a touch n go is sowing the seeds for reconciliation, I don’t know if this is true, I feel all it did was confirm to him that he was right; that he has no feelings for me anymore (other than care and love from history and me being the mother of his children). I also feel that no one else will find me attractive now, I am not how I used to look; 2 babies belly, older, lack of hair, yeah really appealing!
I am struggling with motivation to complete my course. I was granted a re submit for the assignment I failed while h was here, and I was also granted a special consideration extension so I can get my last assignment done. I passed the “failed” one on second attempt, but am having a problem finding the enthusiasm to do the last assignment – I set time aside for it, have written some notes etc, but I end up looking at a blank screen. I have even started writing it and deleted it all as I had written complete waffle and it was off topic. I just can’t seem to get my head in the game.
I know I am supposed to give myself some slack, after all I am dealing with BD2, a new job (that’s another story) and a college assignment due next week. But if I don’t get my head in the game soon then I am likely to create more problems for myself and make life even harder than it already is.
My new job: Oh wow, well I normally enjoy a challenge, but maybe I have taken this one on before I can actually deal with one!! The retail party shop side of it is great, I am enjoying that. I have been learning balloon art which is fun. I have tied and twisted hundreds of balloons this week for all sorts of events, even a helium balloon in a box for a baby gender reveal, so that was really special. BUT the event hire side of things is another story – it’s learning a computer system and I am not great with technology on a good day, so this has been a real challenge. After 3 days I was going out at lunch time and sitting in a car park in tears, sobbing, not wanting to go back to work. I am not sleeping well, my stomach is in knots, and I dread going back tomorrow to face the demon once again. I understand the process (booking, pick up and return) but putting it in action is another thing and it does not help that this is their busiest time of the season and customers are wanting stuff and wanting it NOW. They are also asking so many questions I don’t know the answer to and they are used to having competent knowledgeable staff rattle of prices and information to them. I have been told they expect me to be proficient enough to be basically independent by the end of this week – they need me to be as their senior customer service member will be on maternity leave from Christmas and then it will be just me and a student (who leaves in Feb). So any tips for how to master a computer programme quickly I would be really grateful for
So that’s what has been filling my head. Too much. It’s heading toward 3 years of feeling down and living with fear, mostly financial worries really – if I was financially secure I don’t think I would feel half as bad as I do.
Thank you for letting me get my rambling thoughts out of my head, not that they have left, but I figure it’s better than keeping them stored to myself.
