As I look deeper into room 101 of my psyche, I realise I self isolate. This is something the victims of abuse do. We feel unbalanced, unworthy of human contact.
I sometimes feel irritated when others demand my company, and I withdraw. It is my way to do this without explanation.
I find I need that time alone. I am often happiest alone when I am not triggered.
This is less than. I was once an enormous social animal with thriving GAL. I had a life before the Giggalo. A vibrant happy full and exciting life. I enjoyed it.
I was fit, active and yes considered beautiful. I look at the pictures of that V and I no longer know her, I have no connection. I miss her happy ways, I miss her open love and joy in the new.
Much of the time I feel the guilt and shame of letting that gift slip through my fingers. I am building a new V, much tougher, less joyous and wild, more contained and less trusting.
My friends and family can't see it that way. They say they miss the old V, the outrageous crazy exuberance of her. I did not know she had that, I had not understood it and I took it for granted. I have learned that innocence must be treasured and protected.
A friend told me recentre, V you are the most positive person I know, I come to you for a transfusion of laughter when I need it.
I find these days there is little strength to give, I require it for myself. I am greedy with my personal needs, there seems a limited supply.
Zues, I get it, I truly do. For your own sake I ask you, why do you have two crazy exes?
That's why this is my room 101 post. I looked behind the curtain, I searched hard in my FOO. I examined my sitch, my childhood for wicked abuses. I found some things, over resposibility for an eldest child, some school bullying for the nerd with glasses, the odd accident, a funny man in a pink suit. Ordinary stuff of childhood, enormously loving father and two sets of wonderful grandparents, cousins and others that are close, aunts and uncles supportive. Mother was a tough working mum but good enough, a believer in education. My parents had a strong M even to the end. My glam sis and I have deep love and affection for each other, I will choose her as my sister next lifetime.
I have great friends, some old from childhood and university, work, and social. Even new friends, Internet friends who are getting closer.
When I look in room 101, I see little to heal that's so huge that it impedes this. Little that is other than the Giggalo.
I lack confidence in myself today in that same way of belief, the confidence that I had has gone and is replaced with shaky belief, I confess illness and being overweight because of steroids has not helped me. I am mourning that V, I am sensing she has to go to memory and I must grit my teeth and grieve the pain.
I once looked in the mirror and saw someone I loved, someone who was addicted to life, someone to whom success came easily, someone with endless boundless energy. Plugged into life.
That is no longer what I see. Perhaps this is true that I had such poor boundaries I became a target. A precious target of abuse who did not take care of herself.
In Sandi rules to become the best you can be to attract back your wayward. I lost that person because it was attractive to the wayward. I let her wither until that wayward turned away in disgust no longer finding my fuel palatable.
There is ordinary evil in this world. I was recommended a book, children of the lie, I read it many years ago and could have chosen to recognise the targeting.
I look in Room 101, and I see little to resolve and am running at a loss. On the EE course, another participant said, I truly haven't worked with you because I find myself afraid of you V, you are so high functioning. Why are you here?
My reply, I am here because I suffer from trauma, a trauma which has my behaviour disordered. I malfunction often. I listen to Brene Brown and I realise that I have build my shame and have guilt.
Like you Zues, I require more self compassion. I ask such high things of me. In my world I have been the best, the biggest cheese, and now I am just an ordinary cheddar. I don't like it, I want it back, and I am sabotaging myself sometimes.
Being fit and healthy will help of course. Getting back my body and being strong. Extreme self care has taken a long time to kick in, and I sense it may take as long to build this new V as it took to pull her down.
This R with the Giggalo was less than 5 years and the last three were destructive to V and her health, wellbeing and fins. I stand here a defensive not a fighting force. Barcaded into my fort less the invading armies raid my last rations. I am not brave. My forces need new weapons, they are resting now, getting ready for the next onslaught of the terminator. Who comes with the latest weaponry if evil and lies.
I am working on changing my attitude, working on marshalling my friends and family. Clients even. I can move forwards even if it drains me.
My best analogy is the Lord of the Rings and Frodo. I see the Giggalo as gollum, once Smeagal, carrying the ring once easy is burdensome. Frodo is mainly alone, a warrior taking the ring to its origin. I see his struggles.
In my mind my life is struggle. When the Giggalo was in house, it was harder and also at the same time easier. There was a focus, a clear abuse to overcome, a presence.
This is a destructive demon, it vanishes, it is gollum when he has the ring. Invisible like mist, an ordinary evil.
I opened the curtains in Room 101, now I open that curtained window, clear the air, brush the cobwebs, and dispose of the rubbish in the corner. There is little left in room 101 other than this Giggalo.
I ask am I trauma bonded to it? Have I denied it? Failed to walk to the pain? The answer is no. This seems like FEAR and that FEAR is based on real tangible threats. Legal, financial and impending. I need it gone. Truly gone. This high conflict D that disrupts my life.
Zues, your D was high conflict like mine. I once asked you to help me get angry, I quizzed you on where that angry strength came from.
I have no anger, no vitriol, the odd glimpse on occasion. It isn't there.
I operate from fear where I once was fUll of Joy and Sadness, not anger, disgust or surprise. That is why the film inside out resonated with me so well. I only want to operate from joy.
It was my natural state, perhaps I want that back more than I want the old V.
We will see if I can return to the Shires after discarding the ring and seeing Gollum go.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
