What should I be doing now (Time to Move on?)

[Zues126]

Zeus,

I found all of what you said inspirational and honest.

Do you feel this......

Just keep walking. Acceptance will come. And what's cool is at some point fair won't really matter because you won't need validation, revenge, or anything from her. Someday when you expect that it will never happen you'll wake up truly detached and realize 'fair' doesn't trigger you anymore because that implies some type of comparison or attachment to things out of your control, whereas you'll be such a rock that you'll only care about two things: Appreciating what you have and striving to do your best from where you're at daily. And when you do those things you'll ALWAYS be ok.

Or is it an assumption/aspiration?

Thanks.

Surfer.

Thanks Surfer. It is absolutely how I feel the vast majority of the time. I'm human so it's not like I don't have negative emotions at times. My divorce devastated me, and while the wounds don't cause daily pain anymore, that isn't to say the loss wasn't profound and permanent. I still have to sort through some pain here and there, some sadness, feelings of betrayal, resentment, not just for the loss of my M, but for my loss of faith in M, and the loss of my belief that I'll have another relationship. Many people on these forums cling to the idea that they'll emerge wiser and healthier and find some more functional and rewarding relationship in the future, but while that's possible, it's certainly not what statistics show. Oh, we can ignore the statistics and say those apply to everyone else that isn't us, that doesn't care like we care, that doesn't put in the work we put in, that doesn't mean it like us, but I always thought that the divorce statistics applied to everyone but me in my first marriage too and that love would prevail. I've learned I'm not immune to our humanity, so a big part of my grieving was learning to accept the reality of today's world and how different it is from the love and connection I longed for all my life.

But while that may seem a little unpleasant, it's been really good for me. I really don't want to go down the path of medicating by lying to myself and promising myself some future happiness to get through today's struggles. I'd prefer to meet them day to day, and learn to be ok with my world TODAY, as it is, without needing to be in control of the future. And I am doing just that.

The key for me is the appreciation part. Truly we have a lot to be appreciative for. I've said it 100 times before but I'll say it again. My mantra has always been that if I can look at everything I've been given, but then turn to God and tell him I can't possibly be happy with what I have unless he gives me the woman and relationship I wanted when I want it that works the way I want it to...well, that is so crazy that if that's my mindset I'll never be ok. I'll always be suffering because that just isn't going to happen, and even if it did anyone with that entitled and unappreciative of an attitude would be unhappy for some other reason anyway. So this divorce has forced me to learn to focus on what I have to be appreciative of, and has forced me to decide to be happy with what I have in life. I've always been a believer of "Life isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you get", but my ability to execute this has increased tremendously.

Then the part about focusing on what you can control. Namely, your focus on appreciation, and your reaction to your environment. Live in a way that makes you proud, so you like what you see when you look in the mirror. It's not easy to do your best when you're at your worst, so where normally I'd be some superman trying to show how awesome I can make my life, that's not easy when you're broken, depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and barely able to keep up with bills and life's demands. So I've learned to be a bit compassionate with myself, and to hold myself to high standards, but accept that I am human and can only do what I can do. I've let go of some of my perfectionism and have learned to celebrate little wins. In some ways this is very similar to appreciation- appreciation is being happy with what you have instead of what you want, eliminating perfectionism is about patting yourself on the back for doing what you can rather than beating yourself up about the never closing gap between that and perfection.

In the end I am happy. I don't believe happiness is the ultimate goal, I don't think we're put here to be happy. I think that's selfish, self centered, and using happiness as a compass to steer your life with the entitled attitude that says you deserve to be happy is part of why divorce is so rampant. But since I've shifted my focus to serving my family, living in a way that agrees with my understanding of 'God's Will' for lack of better terms, and being appreciative for being given a life to live, well, the result is that I am indeed at peace, and find myself enjoying myself. A good Netflix show (or a bad one). A game of chess. A pool tournament. A book with my kids. Music. A good meal. Just cruising in my car on my way to work. There are so many things I enjoy, every day. I guess that means I no longer live in a state of misery where peace is the exception, I must be pretty normalized now because so many things fill me up.

I also think what I went through was so difficult I am feeling artificially high just for having it behind me. It's like I'm walking on air most days. Good lord, it was a hard road. But if you work hard on these things it pays off, and it isn't hard forever.

OK, long post, nothing too pointed I was trying to get across, just a nice virtual chat with a fellow DBer. Hang in Surfer and good to hear from you.