Jelly, No real words of wisdom here but wanted you to know you were heard and offer some support.
To quote the often repeated axiom, when the plane is going down, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. Take care of yourself, sweet Jelly. You cannot help mom or your prince charming when your own cup is empty. I know you will be there for your mom no matter what, and it's amazing the hidden strength we often find within ourselves when we have to.
There is also nothing wrong with stepping back from other relationships to regroup if that's what you need. A military spouse friend I know speaks of something she calls "riding the vows." Specifically, she's speaking to times of military deployment when spouses are separated and not able to interact and give to the marriage and support it's growth. In those times, she says you "ride your vows," i.e., when you can do nothing else, you trust the love and commitment of your relationship and know that when the hard times pass, your partner will still be there for you, just as you are for them. Take care of yourself and your mom, grieve for the change of plans, but love and trust in what you are building with your lovely man. There will be other Christmases...there are a lifetime of Christmases left that can be shared. A million other firsts waiting to happen. Let these challenges strengthen you and your love for each other rather than cause you to nitpick at the foundation of what you're creating together.
You will get through this, and we are here to support you all the way!
Annab,
You are always there when I need a kind and wise word. Thank you. You have the kindest spirit and I am grateful for the love and kindness you shine my way.
I have often compared my lovely man and mine's long distance relationship to that of a those in the military. Although I know for a fact we likely have an easier time of it, with Facetime every night for 1-2 hours and the cost of airfare anytime we can afford it.
You friends view and words supports my own. My lovely man and I have talked often of something similar to "riding the vows", as both of our previous partners had no ability or desire to ride the commitment and love of which you speak. We both want to offer each other that which we didnt get from our previous partners.
I want to be better this time round Annab. I want to be a better person and better partner. I want to have more faith in the relationship, that is has good bones and a good foundation. You are right I shouldn't nitpick at it, which is exactly what I am doing. I'm scared Annab, that I have either chosen wrong or that I am going to f**k this up.
I'm pushing him away and pulling him at the same time. The poor man is so confused. I am not being my best self, the best partner for him right now.
I find the exchanges of needs and wants challenging in a relationship. I remember reading somewhere that relationships are a not a "needs exchange" the are the exchange of love and support. If you are expecting to have your needs met, you are likely going to suffer in a relationship.
I know that I am more than capable of supporting myself through my mother's chemo, through the stress of juggling work and the other demands of my life. So then what exactly am I needing and wanting from my lovely man, that I can't provide for myself?
Do I want some obvious display from him that he understands my stress, my pain at the potential loss of my mum. Do I want him to tell me how devastated he is at the loss of an opportunity to spend time with me. (There are a couple of other complicating needs I have that are private to his life that I wish were resolved too - which challenge me) but I know he how I feel understands and I know that he feels as fruistrated and devastated as I do. So what exactly is it that I want? That I need?
No wonder he is confused. I am confused myself.
John Gray (Women are from Venus & Men are from Mars author) talks about the level of reassurance women need to feel supported, secure and safe in a relationship. I know it's ridculously old fashioned to need my lovely man to tell me, that I am not in this alone and that whatever I need right now, he's got my back. But for some reason I need to hear it, to feel it. And for some strange reason he isn't able to provide this to me right now. I'm not sure why.
I keep coming back to the words "acceptance and self reassurance". I can meet this need and want for myself. I need to accept that he is not in place that to be able to provide the reassurance and it;s ok for him not to be able to do so right now. I need and provide it to myself. I tell myself I am not alone, that I have my own back and I can get myself through this. I will be ok, me and my lovely man will be ok. I am strong, stronger than I feel and I look. There is nothing I need that I cannot provide myself.
I need to think myself out of this situation rather than feel myself out of it.
Thanks for the opportunity to reflect with your Annab. Maybe there will come a day I could offer you the same love and support.
