Lex, in terms of what you should do ... I think you should try to be a person YOU like yourself, and also a person other people would like appealing, and I'm not talking just women finding you appealing but everyone, including family and friends. Be a good, interesting person. When you & your wife were dating ... what were you like? What did she like about you?
I do like myself as I am. My co-workers like me and my friends do as well. I treat the W the same as when we met. it's slowed down a bit by our busy lives with the kids but I make her laugh and listen to her and show her love as much as she will still allow me to do so.
pretty sure. she still makes zero effort to be apart from me and she could any time she wanted to. i'm not blocking that.
My W has neither moved away or towards me in over two years. She is done without being done. She is still here without being still here. Don't counton her not pulling further away as a sign that she isn't done. It just means she isn't ACTING on what she wants. Until she does you have time. Use it wisely. Listen to the advice being given.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
My W has neither moved away or towards me in over two years. She is done without being done. She is still here without being still here. Don't counton her not pulling further away as a sign that she isn't done. It just means she isn't ACTING on what she wants. Until she does you have time. Use it wisely. Listen to the advice being given.
Best wishes
That is scary. I will get my courage up for the long haul. I hope your wife moves toward you again.
So that gets me back to my real questions at the moment. Should I pull away? Should I confront her about her flirting? Or should I just cruise along as-is and hope that everything will be ok?
Look, just put the thought aside about pulling away....for a few minutes. A newcomer can often get hung up on one thing and miss everything else people are trying to tell him. We are saying it's too soon for us to know how to answer that question right now. We are still trying to find out more from you.
She thanked you for all the space you have been giving her. What or how does she experience "space" from you? What I'm saying is you work full time, then go home and work. Are you thinking that giving her space is freeing her up from cooking/cleaning, etc.? If she does not work full time outside of the home, keeping the children...only...IMO, should not be all that's expected from her. She is not the babysitter, she is a wife, a mother, and a homemaker. Is she not capable of running things at home?
If you chose to be the one who took care of everyone's needs.....then how was that supposed to make her feel? I mean you can take care of their financial needs (since you are working), and you can do the yard work or repairs on the house, etc. But to do everything other than sit with the kids all day, was not doing her any favors. I don't understand young men who have this idea their W is not suppose to lift her hand to do any kind of housework or cooking, although she's at home all day. IMO, in order to have her H come home from a full time job and start doing all the work at home there should be a reason....other than him "providing all the needs of his family" For example, if she is sick/disabled or incapable in some kind of way. If she's not working, and is able/capable but you just chose to treat her like a royal princess, then the results will be a very spoiled, and disrespectful W. There is a big, big difference in being well & capable, from disabled/incapable. There is also a big difference in doing your work and helping out at home.....than doing your work plus everything at home. It sure didn't help her already low self-esteem for you to do everything yourself (if she was able). In the beginning, it could have made her feel as though you didn't trust her ability to take care of things at home. Do you see what I mean? IMHO, you have not done any favors for your W by acting as if she is not smart enough, or stable enough, to do anything herself.
What were her reasons for choosing not to drive?
Quote:
She hugged me and it was nice. I'm afraid to get hopeful but maybe she had reached a turning point inside herself?
She thanked you. That's all. The fact that she hugged means nothing! It's like hugging a brother or an aunt. It is no great sign that she's changing her mind,or that she's at some turning point or anything. Am I just trying to burst your hope? No, I am telling you so that you won't think every little thing she does has some great significance behind it, only to be disappointed again.
What else can you tell us?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I didn't really take over. Things just kind of developed this way over the years. She refused to drive because she is afraid she will wreck the car. She has no interest in cooking so I just kind of stepped up years ago so that we could eat good food. She does minimal cleaning so when something gets too dirty for my taste I just clean it myself. There was never any real discussion. It just kind of evolved. I can tell by the way that she talks about things that she sees this work distribution as equitable. It gives her time to work on her art. If I asked her to take on more she would not do it, would consider it unacceptable.
On the matter of "space" - what my W meant specifically was that I stopped talking about our marital issues, and I stopped trying to initiate sex or any intimate touching at all. I agreed to do this for October and then renewed my agreement to do this in November. She is expecting me to continue this way for December as well. She does not want to discuss us at all. She will only tell me that she is "sad" and "working some things out". she said that the space had improved things for her somewhat but she showed no evidence of this improvement to me because she is still sad and we are not talking or intimate.
- She refused to drive because she is afraid she will wreck the car. - She has no interest in cooking so I just kind of stepped up years ago so that we could eat good food. - She does minimal cleaning so when something gets too dirty for my taste I just clean it myself.
Are you sure this is you just "stepping in"? Honestly, it sounds like maybe shes worried she cant meet your standards. You say she is a stay at home mom, but what is she DOING while staying at home?
Id recommend you read a lot of the advice given to Mowgli early in his sitch. It sounds similar to this one.
Originally Posted By: Lex23
On the matter of "space" - what my W meant specifically was that I stopped talking about our marital issues, and I stopped trying to initiate sex or any intimate touching at all. I agreed to do this for October and then renewed my agreement to do this in November. She is expecting me to continue this way for December as well. She does not want to discuss us at all. She will only tell me that she is "sad" and "working some things out". she said that the space had improved things for her somewhat but she showed no evidence of this improvement to me because she is still sad and we are not talking or intimate.
So, I would imagine that she will continue this way as long as you dont 'rock the boat'. Can you continue living in this fashion for forever?
Are you sure this is you just "stepping in"? Honestly, it sounds like maybe shes worried she cant meet your standards. You say she is a stay at home mom, but what is she DOING while staying at home?
So, I would imagine that she will continue this way as long as you dont 'rock the boat'. Can you continue living in this fashion for forever?
If not, maybe it's time to do some 180s....
she did say to me one time about a month ago that I think she is not good enough. I assured her that I never thought that. it's not re-occurring though. first time she ever said anything like that to me. she has also said that I am controlling her when I talk about our relation ship. this is not completely unfair as I am a fairly persuasive guy. I stopped talking about it though. she also told me that our wedding ring was a "slave" ring when I asked her to wear it again back in September. so I let it go and stopped wearing mine to show that there was no slavery.
she spends her home time making art. she is pretty productive but does not make much money. she is serious about it and trying to make money though. it is high quality stuff and generally well received when people see it.
I cannot live this way. I worry some every day even though I try to practice mindfulness and thankfulness. I am very sad. I am embarresed to admit this even on an anonymous forum but last week I looked at the "casual hookups" section of craigslist and fantasized about hooking up with some of the women who had posted there. My fantasy got a little to real and I felt I could actually see myself going though with this. I felt bad about that and have not looked again.
What your W says to you does not necessarily represent how she's feeling. She might say one thing in the moment, but feel differently much of the other time.
Your W may not know what she wants, nor what will eventually make her feel better. She might say she likes it if you to shop, cook, clean, etc. But it may be making her feel suffocated all the same.
Your W may have a very deep appreciation of all that you do around the house. And it may make her feel incredibly loving to you ... but that may have no relation to romance and sexual feelings. She may feel all those intense feelings to you as ... a brother or a parent.
If a partner is there to serve, serve, serve you ... that's not a partner you feel attracted to. That's a servant. A parent.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
