Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[PsySara]

You guys are right, I've been doing it all wrong. I've gone counter to DBing practices and have actually done some huge mistakes. I'e been pursuing, pressuring, setting expectations. I've completely lost my way. This has had the predictable outcomes and completely turned WH off while also making me look pathetic.

This HPV thing has messed me up really bad. I started expecting him to comfort me in the way I need and he may be unable to do so. I woke at 4 am this morning feeling utterly despondent so I decided to watch the LRT videos again. I felt my face flush red as she recommended against exactly what I had been doing. I can't do piecing if WH isn't really wanting to piece. In his more relaxed moments he will say things about wanting to piece but his actions show otherwise. So I need to return to the drawing board and use a beginner's mind.

1. I REALLY need to get a handle on my anger. I still lash out at WH when he says things that hurt me. This accomplishes absolutely nothing, leaves me feeling worse and also paints me as a loose cannon. I think I will either read something on anger management or maybe start serious IC with the goal for me to manage my anger better, my kids deserve that.Furthermore, I deserve it, I need the peace.

2. I have really fallen off the bandwagon with GAL. Too often I am waiting on WH's plans after work, lunch, weekend, whatever. I need to start scheduling stuff for just me, me and the kids, or me and friends sans WH. The easiest place to start is a co-worker does Taco Tuesdays for girl's only. I will make my goal to attend that next Tuesday.

3. WH can't give me the emotional support I desperately need right now so it's time to dust off the lifelines I have available. I need to start calling my close friends and spilling my guts. I really want to pour it out to my cousin but he doesn't know about April so...I will think about that.

We have plans to go to Disney in a few weeks for DD's birthday and also just to take a break from life. Next week I have the procedure for my HPV and I don't really have a local close female friend to bring with me for support. I don't feel comfortable bringing WH even though I suspect he will want to come. Historically he has done these type of things but has not been able to give me the emotional support I need. I think I will have to do this solo even though it's not recommended. I just don't have any other option.

Dory is right, I need to pull back from WH and stop letting his swings increase my swings. I feel like I have regressed and have fallen back on all the bad behaviors of codependency and desperation that made the aftermath of the affairs so agonizing for me. I need to realize that the man I married is not the man living with me right now. The person I loved is not here, rather this broken/lost guy needs to be left to his own devices. He chose to throw away our marriage and it's dead now. I am going to have to go through the grieving process and move on. So forgive me my friends, I will be coming here a LOT to vent and spew my rage/anguish. I think the reality of the monumental damage wrought on our M is sinking in and it's horrific.