Hanging on and hoping for the best

[Bman72]

Hi Billy,

I am sorry to be reading your story on here - it sounds very similar to mine. I am also awaiting the W to move out and the fear of telling our sons is horrible. I agree about being able to handle the pain within ourselves but putting the kids through this is despicable and selfish. Thats how we feel anyhow.

My W also has been coming to me for sex after telling me that she couldn't do that as there is no connection. Why would they do that.....because women are more emotional creatures than us men...so she tells you that she can't be intimate because she needs to feel connection with you - yes thats true but thats only how she feels at the time i.e. current emotion. Give it a few weeks and she feels a bit lonely and horny and she isn't at the stage that she feels repulsed by you and can see your personal efforts and all of a sudden she feels like you can meet her needs at that point in time so she It leads to some intimacy. Once that need is met then she is back to her plan. Theres not much more to it than that I feel. Meanwhile we are riddled with lots of thought about why they are doing this and questioning their true intentions. I still see my W as a good person who is doing her best and must be riddled with guilt and various emotions but then I remember that she has walked away and isn't the person I married in a lot of ways. Whether it be MLC, hidden affair, just tired of the way things were or whatever reason - it does leave a trail of destruction even if they are just being honest with how they feel - They justify this by saying they have to put themselves first after all these years. All I know is that I get a lot of comfort in knowing that I am growing as a man and a husband and that the way I treat her reflects my integrity. I try to use a "superview" like I am up in a tower looking down at my situation and keeping the big picture in perspective....As my IC says "It [censored] big time but it is part of life"...I can only control how I respond and I can honestly say that....I like myself more than I have in years.

You sound like a fantastic person and I hope that you are taking care of yourself and savouring the quality times with your kids and showing them how a real man handles life's challenges and that it is okay to be vulnerable and acknowledge how you feel because pushing them deep down will not end well - there is so much that you are teaching your sons right now and in the near future that will enable them to choose their actions in life. Be aware of that everyday and then go have fun and laugh and smile with them and love your family - your wife's choices only reflect her and do not affect your true value - it is only how she sees things. Keep being committed to your marriage even if your wife has lost her way - do what feels like you will be proud of when your look back on your life. That will put you on the right path because it is how you feel that counts. I have read a lot and will continue to do so - lots of good info on here as you know - it is also good just to be able to talk about it with other people on here - it [censored] but I know that I will be good no matter what....as will you ! All the best.