SH, I agree with what you say. I admit there are times I hold back from posting things because I don't want to rub people the wrong way. I have noticed that Sara, Cherry, Surfer, and JksD have developed an awesome circle of support. Perhaps others do not want to give advice that feels contrary to what they post to one another, as they may feel outnumbered. I don't know, just my thoughts.
SH, I respect your honesty and advice, and that you spend so much time on people. It is a risk you take, but I know it only comes from good intentions. And you try and do it so lovingly and with an open heart. Better from you than me. I can definetly lack that grace at times. I would imagine many others hold back from posting as well.
Sara, I follow along here but haven't posted. If you read my posts, you know I didn't DB well. What I did do well in my sitch was to draw very firm boundaries around myself. I did not show H love and affection before he commuitted to our M entirely. This worked for me but as you say, we all must do what works for us.
In your sitch, the only time I recall your H showing his commitment and willing to do the work was when you let go entirely. There was a time that you were so fed up, you spoke about being done and wanting to file yourself. He got nervous and started pining for you. It seems he has been very hot/cold with your. His list of "reasons" for not wanting to work on the M demonstrate how little he has worked on himself (and is willing to) and it appears he lacks understanding of the importance of M and family in general.
So there has been a lot of push and pull between you guys. As of now I agree with SH, his actions and words, have been fairly consistent that he wants out. I don't know if any of us believe that, but we have to take what we are offered. You deserve better than these crumbs. I think you are teaching him that he can do/say/treat you anyway and you will be right there waiting. Is that really okay with you?
What if you just let it rest for now. Can you try and be okay with not knowing the outcome of this M? Maybe it's time to table the R talks, the MC, and anything that causes you emotions or stress around this. I just can't see how any of that is good for you or the M.
It's hard to accept that, but he's not giving you a choice. In the mean time you can go back to DB principles, GAL, allow some detachment, and give yourself permission to give up the fight for a bit. You must be exhausted. You deserve a break. Maybe he needs to see you are okay without him and that your life will go on. I think it's time to let go.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
