One for the road....

[Zues126]

J, I'm really sorry to hear this news. What a bummer. I can see why you're fed up with your siblings, but I'm glad your mom has you in her life. She's a lucky mom, and whatever happens she's got to feel pretty good about her life when she knows she raised you.

I'm curious what you mean when you say your man is emotionally unavailable. This isn't some trick question where I'm circling around to make some point. I really just don't know and am curious. It's not like a man saying his woman is sexually unavailable, which is pretty easy to understand. But emotional unavailability is something I don't know that I ever really got, and it might mean something different to you. Does that mean him being available to listen to you talk about your days battles? Or to do something in real life to make your journey easier, like making dinner or something? Or just spending time together?

I dunno. The more posts I write on these forums the more convinced I am that I beat to a different drum. But for me, if I was in a relationship, I'd want to know SPECIFICALLY what I needed to do for my partner to feel 'emotionally satisfied'. Then, if that person was a bottomless pit that was impossible to satisfy as you sometimes reflect concerns you are, well, then I'd tell that person that I loved them, that I wish we weren't restricted by the limitations of our humanity and the demands of life so I could express that to the degree we both desire, but within the realm of what we have to work with I'll do what I can today, and if, due to extreme demands on me today I can't do much, I'd reassure them that it isn't that I don't care and that I can't wait until I get through my crisis so I could show how important they are to me.

I only say this because I know I have felt I am a bottomless pit at times and have always felt this is what would make it easier for me to accept boundaries and limitations instead of feeling like "If you loved me you'd..." I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I try with D6. She *ALWAYS* wants to play with me, and sometimes it gets overwhelming and irritating, but then I realize she needs me, so I make sure to not just say 'no' reflexively even when it can feel like it's a bottomless pit, and that I explain limitations to her in this way, and that most of all I make playing with her a priority so she knows I love her and she knows that it's ok to have needs and to express them and that she's worthy of having someone care for her.

I actually get the drawing back thing. Quite a bit I get that. It's easier to be distant than it is to be somewhat as close as you'd like to be feeling like you are being cast away as you try to reach out to close the gap with a hug. XW thought when I withdrew I was punishing her, that I was abusive, that I was controlling. But it didn't feel that way to me. It really felt like she was casting me away and I was just trying to not need her so much so her rejection didn't cut me up too bad.

No advice here JB, just wondering about these things, what you'd like from your man, if there's anything your man could do to make this easier for you if he legitimately couldn't give it to you right now, etc.

But know one thing. Your posts show that you have been the places I have been and see some of the same things I see. That could be a good thing, that could be bad news for you, but no matter what it's a fairly lonely road so it's nice to bump into someone on that path now and then. I'm not sure at times why I post on these forums. I must get something out of it but I can't figure out what. But if you trouble yourself to start a new thread I doubt I'll be able to pass it by without dropping a few lines.

Joke of the day: I had dinner with Gary Kasparov (former chess world champion) the other night. The table had a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt...