I am just looking back at my experience with XW - I did the pursuing for months and it was awful, but when I finally was able to convince myself to truly DB, she came back after about 4 months of going dark. We already had a filed and signed D, and she stopped it. I'm not necessarily expecting the same behavior, but trying to use the principles. I feel like I'm in a much better place now thanks to DBing, actually re-read the book again (although again I'm not married).
What I'm stepping back and seeing are the facts - SO is exhibiting very similar signs to XW as a WAW. She told me last month when we spent a day together that I was "back to being the man she met", and "I wish I could trust that things would continue to improve". She jumped into a rebound relationship, but doesn't know how to define it except to say it's "not a relationship", and this is something she has told others. She is sweet and kind and talks about our future one minute, and is cold and "done" the next. Clearly, she's very confused, and I am not going to try to decipher anything; but I have learned the hard way from experience and others on here that the one thing that works is to let go, and let go early before you run it into the ground.
She has seen, pointed out, and knows that I put in a significant amount of work on myself. Not for her, but for ME, and she has specifically said she has seen and likes the results. She has compared me favorably to the OM several times. So, instead of temperature checking and pressuring, I'm backing off. I'm sure there is some hurt that is causing the kind of wild swings of emotion, and we all know what that's like.
So as far as accomplish: 1. Space for her to heal and grow, and let the changes sink in. This is something that we had talked about late summer, but I think at the time we were in conflict. Now, she has specifically recognized how much I've accomplished, and I'm glad I'm leaving her with that. I have no time limit on this. I figure when I am done, I'll be done. 2. Time to let the "nice guy" OM friend fizzle out if it's going to. Again, lesson learned, you can't make inroads while the OP is providing the fun emotional filler they seek. 3. Continue focusing on myself. I am probably having the most successful personal growth of my life, and it's amazing. 4. After a period of time (I arbitrarily chose 6 weeks), reach out in a non-threatening, non-romantic way, and just see how/if she responds.
Those seem somewhat reasonable to me, but that's why I'm writing them down. I am trying to find a balance between realizing I need to let things shake out if I want to hope for a reconciliation, but also continue moving on and not getting bogged down if things are truly done.
