Life is kicking my butt

[qt4x11]

I’m moving from my house today into a rented one br apartment. I spent yesterday packing and throwing out stuff around the house. It was a sad and surreal experience, throwing out toys my kids left behind, old letters and some pictures. Felt like I was really clearing out the remnants of my old life. Movers are coming at 1, and I’m spending a ton of money right now just to move - security deposit, rent, movers fees, various building move out fees. I’m still out of work right now, so this is pretty stressful for me.

The job search continues, I’ve had a lot of interviews over the past month, one crappy job offer that I wound up not taking, and a lot of rejections and blow offs. I had a final interview last week, which I thought went pretty well but I wound up not getting the job. That put me in a really bad mood yesterday. Being unemployed just escalates all the stress, and financial and emotional problems right now by 100%. I’ve been thinking about the interviews I’ve had - it’s frustrating because I walk out thinking I did well - meaning, I answered all of their technical questions correctly, for the most part, and ‘kept it together’. But I’m thinking that a number of things are not working in my favor - your body language and demeanor say a lot, I’m basically trying to ‘keep it together’, hold in all of the sad and depressed emotions I’m having. I’m not exactly projecting an eager and positive demeanor. I probably come off as - someone inexplicably sad or nervous, I can’t help it. But it’s not exactly someone you’d immediately hire, however brilliant they are. I have some in person/final interviews coming up. Two on Friday, one early next week. I’m grateful that I still seem to be getting a lot of interviews, despite the time of the year. I also think I’m interviewing better lately.

I sent my wife a couple of text messages in the past week:

I know you probably despise me and that we will be divorced soon. I just wanted to apologize again if I was mean or insensitive. Please understand I never meant to hurt anyone. And if I was ever grumpy or antisocial it was because of all of the stress I had trying to maintain a job to support our family's lifestyle. I'm sorry again. I hope one day we can be at a better place in our relationship. I will always be here to help with the kids and my first priority is trying to be an honest and better and sober person for them.

And a few days later…

Please don’t do this. I love you and the kids so much, this is just breaking my heart
i’m just a wreck. I don’t want to lose my family


Even at this late stage I’m trying to get her back, although I really have no hope for a response. I either feel like I need to keep trying until this is all over.

But I also took a lot of what Zues wrote to heart. I can either face my life right now and stop this free fall that I’m in, or I can continue down this dark path. I can’t let this despair consume me, because I have kids I have to keep living for. Even if I don’t know what the future holds or feel like I don’t have any strength left.