Thank you Dawn, I hope we can celebrate together.

Today I am very unwell, my chest is tight, my head feels like a vice is around it and my glands are enlarged under my arms.

I ache all over as if having fought with Muhammed Ali.

I have no hunger or thirst at all. At some stage I have to get going as I have a major problem for a client tomorrow.

I feel like a piece of cake for lunch. There isn't any of course as temptation is far away.

I am in a reflective mood, starting with a beginners mind.

The complex PTSD has kicked in again. Legal stuff, thoughts of the Giggalo cause it. I know I am afraid of him.

I am a victim of the black and white thinking I dislike so much. In other words the Giggalo will either win big in court or not at all.

A friend send me some articles to read:

The daily dot from Ireland: worst boyfriend ever, impersonates lawyer to extract cash (Blake Minto)


Of course in my case the Giggalo has a faux lawyyer

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Earlier someone sent me an article about a compulsive gambler

Evening standard : my wife took me for better or worse and should pay

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The point is this stuff triggers me to nightmares, I can more or less control the daymares and the visual and audial trauma. The night time is much much tougher for me.

I often don't sleep and that makes me very tired. I am vulnerable to every bug that I meet. I am pale wan and sickly looking.

I do practise extreme self care. I GAL. I have therapy. I pray practise mindfulness and all the things I need to.

My only sin is a couple of cups of Java each day. Very very occasionally a Manhattan in Manhattan.

Despite all if I know the Giggalo is in the UK then I am afraid.

There is little I can do to rebalance this or so it seems. I must just endure it.

I want to heal and move forward and that isn't happening at this time.

It's enough just to muddle through sometimes.

A mistake in marrying such a wayward seems such a big pricenough paid. Literally and metrophorically.

I doubt that I will be able to trust for a long time.

V

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW