Just a wee update..feeling alone and needing to share.
Just feeling a little overwhelmed with life and I know that its the time of year for everyone, where the year catches up and pressures to be prefect for the holidays and family ideals abound. This is always a tough time of year anyway, lots of triggers for the depression to catch hold of.
For the last six months my mum has been having chemo for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She is a strong woman, with a great attitude about death and dying. The chemo has done most of it's job, shrinking a mass just behind her stomach and completely obliterating cancer cells that in lymph nodes in her neck and chest. A scan however has shown the the mass behind her stomach still has high grade cancer cells at its heart and a three week, five days per round of radiation is required. My mum is trooper and will take this in her stride for sure.
This development has however pulled the plug on my Christmas and New Year Plans. I have been planning for the three months a three week Christmas break with my lovely man, who lives in another part of the planet. Our first Christmas together, and the opportunity to have a lengthy period of time together. Poof, gone in one doctors appointment.
I have no issue supporting my through this process, this will require me transporting her to and from appointments, working at the weekends and remaining in Auckland for the Christmas and New Year period. My mum has asked specifically for my help, telling me I am her only emotional support and she feels like a burden to my other sisters, but not to me.
I am wearing my disappointment and devastation about missing the holidays with my lovely man on the inside. My mother doesn't need to know this. I love my mum and would do anything for her, but I am resentful that my sisters are not more reliable people for my mother. I know there will be other holidays with my lovely man, and potentially not many more with my mum. The choice is an easy one.
I am not handling my emotions about all of this very well. And I think I have projected some of this emotional overwhelm onto my lovely man. I think I picked a fight with him last night just because I didn't know what to do with all that I am feeling. I feel very alone, unsupported and unloved. Complete over-reaction but it's how I am feeling.
My lovely man is overwhelmed by is own family issues at present and his attention is needed there. I am trying to be supportive and detached from personalising his lack of emotional availability, but I am struggling. I am seeing all of triggers and vulnerable places being exposed. We are both engaging in old patterns of behaviour in order to cope. I know this, but knowing this is not helping.
I have suggested that we take some time out to deal with our personal responses. It's not my usual go to, I'm usually a talker and want to talk everything, out, but he is emotionally overwhelmed and has nothing to give me right now, which triggers my feelings of abandonment and rejection. It is easier for me to expect nothing from him, than the very little he can give. I know this response is likely unhelpful. But I don't feel able to give him anything right now. My cup feels completely empty, and I kind of needed him to help me find some steady feet. It seems he can't and I have to find my own.
I can of course, of course I can, I've held myself up emotionally since childhood. The trigger to the feelings of constantly be responsible for myself and well being is just a little too much this week.
I'll bounce I know, this too will pass. i will have to remain focussed on the fact that my mum needs me right now and it is blessing to give to her.
Thanks for listening, I needed to put this down somewhere.
