Re: She moved out...now the work begins...Part 3

[CaliGuy]

The "Happy Mask" is a must, no way at this time can she remotely come to terms with reality ... she is just not capable currently with everything going on so she must sell how happy she is to everyone ... especially you... internally justifying her choice was in fact the correct one by externally projecting that feeling. It helps when they are high on this rush/fantasy that the new life they have been slowly fantasizing for years is finally starting to take shape, understand MLC did not just happen at BD, it was slow cooking for some time prior to that, you just did not see it coming.

During some moments of clarity my MLCr told me she would 'fake it till she made it' and try to pretend to be happy though deep down she was miserable and guilt ridden .... other accounts of this have been shared as well ... take the "Happy Mask" as just that ... a mask.

Ok ... First book/homework. This one was the first in a long line that I read and was definately a nudge for me to get where I wanted to go. No More Mr Nice Guy, like you I was a fixer, I also wrapped up half if not more so in Mr MLCr Father MLCr etc .... which wounded up losing who Cali really was. Project Cali 2.0 was put into motion and has been since that time, well worth the investment I assure you, if you invest in yourself it will pay off hand over foot.

[Surfer]

SBJ

Yes. The neighbour approach.

Of course you will remember who you are FFS!! Stop obsessing over her and get out and live again. You might not want to but you need to to recharge.

This won't make any sense until you do it. Trust me. But just do it GAL and detach. It's gets lots, lots better. You will be really happy again.

Surfer.

[SBJ]

Vapo, CaliGuy & Surfer...I will start trying the neighbor approach as of today. This will be a complete 180 from how I have treated her for 25 years, but it is worth a shot.

I have accepted that she has a mask on covering her whatever and she has also used that phrase of fake it till you make it before with regards to business.

I have read most of the homework and also most of No MoreMr. Nice Guy...I will try and finish.

I'm looking forward to having all three of my kids this weekend and then the two youngest all next week. They light up my world when they are with me. I am I am going hunting again the next weekend...good getaway with great fellowship. Not to mention a lot of good food and drink.

[Vapo]

SBJ,

I noticed you use a lot of TRYs in your posts. Just do it (said the good people at NIKE) and DO or ON NOT, there is no TRY (said Yoda).

Please be aware that the neighbor approach is IMO the best way to go, it is a long term approach, so do not expect short term results, and it is FOR YOU and NOT FOR YOUR W, so do not keep looking over your shoulder if her behavior changes, the goal is for you to improve and build mental stamina and in time simply stop caring what your W is doing. And only then have you achieved a sufficient level of detachment... And let me tell you it is a blessing...

[SBJ]

Thanks Vapo...I understand the Doing Approach also...I have coached enough LL Baseball to understand that. The hardest part for me is the cutting contact. I'm sure most of us are the same whereas our spouse was the one that we went to and talked to about everything. She was my best friend and she simply shut down. It is like she is DB'ing better than I am. She use to call me several times per day and then it just stopped.

I understand that those conversations were transferred from me to the EA partner, but it hurts me that they stopped. I have found myself talking to my brothers and some of my buddies more than I have in a long time, but the loss is still felt hard by me.

I read something yesterday that they, the MLC'er, pulls away from many of their friends and family and starts new friendships with people that don't know about their previous relationship...it fits her to a T. I received a call from her younger sister the night before last and she was balling about how much she is hurting that she has been shut out by my W and also by her mother who is the enabler of my W. I told her that I totally understand, and tried to explain to her about the path of the MLC person. I guess it would be a good idea for siblings going thru this to also read up on the MLC stages. Maybe they could gain some incite on the path like we are.

I have all three of my kids for the first time this weekend.I am so excited. My W and I always looked forward to the oldest coming home for his breaks...kind of feels weird to have him all to myself. The W's place is only a 3 BR and he doesn't have his own space over their. I'm hoping he just stays with me the entire Christmas break, but I'm sure he will sleep on her couch a few nights. He is such an awesome kid.

[SBJ]

It is kind of funny when someone is on your mind and they happen to call you. I had just posted the info about my oldest son and he called. He told me that he is wanting to xfer to our local university and stay at home while he finishes school.

My wife told him that we were having problems starting around the beginning of the semester and I hope this isn't part of his decision. He is saying he wants to be closer to his family and faith support system instead of his fraternity boozing and partying support system.

Just want him to make this decision for him and not for us. While this will save us money, I still told him that it is ultimately his decision and I will support him no matter what. I love that guy.

[ericmsant2]

SBJ
Just catching up with your sitch. You have been receiving excellent advice from folks. I agree with Cal that you are still spinning a bit. Normal for where you are in all of this.

From where I sit….you still seem to think that something YOU do is going to change what SHE does. It will not. Stop looking for some tactic to illicit a different response from HER and deal with what “is”. Try to stop worrying so much about HER.

You’ve asked how to drop the rope. It is actually easier to do then many believe. It really just takes ACTION. It takes YOU turning your attention inward. It take you stopping your thoughts from what she is doing, what she is saying, etc.

Consider this….when you were a child…how long did it take you to stop touching an open fire for the fear of getting burned? I am sure you figured out quickly that if you touch the fire you will get burned. Why is it then….that you cannot figure out that right now, you need to let go. Think about that.

When friends, family, etc start with….. “did you know what I heard, saw, read…” STOP them in their tracks and let them know that you prefer NOT to know or hear about it. That you are focused on YOU.

As for cutting contact…..

You really cannot completely cut contact as you have children together. That said, you can change HOW YOU communicate with her.

Here are a few things to think about…

1) Does the response require a YES or NO answer? If so, then your answer should be no more than 3 letters. I suspect the biggest issue you will have trying to follow this piece of advice is the FEAR YOU have…. The fear of how she may feel, respond or interpret your response. Honestly, who gives a rats arse.

2) If a longer conversation is required… do not try to explaining YOUR point of view or position. State YOUR point of view as a fact and leave it at that.

Example: No I think the kids should do X because (insert all of your reasons) can become this long answer where you find yourself explaining and justifying your position. A better way may be. NO the kids should do X. Period.

As for the younger sister calling you – stop trying to explain an MLC. Stop trying to be the fixer. FOCUS ON YOU.

MLC, WAW, Batchit crazy…..the approach is ALWAYS the same. FOCUS ON YOU, DETACH and GAL. There is a reason the approach is the same.

As Cadet would say….”Trust the process”.

[SBJ]

eric, I am trusting the process more every day.

I have cut the length of my answers as you have suggested already. It seems kind of rude to me, but I have done it anyway.

My SIL is like my baby sister as I have known her for 25 years and in many ways we are closer than she is to my W. I have simply explained that the W really is in a confused state and that she is making decisions for herself right now. I also said that there is nothing she nor myself could do to change that.

Again, I guess I realize that I have lost my best friend due to this crazy chit and have to re-eval who I will have as my confidant from here. She has separated herself from that role.

I am accepting this more and more on a daily basis...it's hard, but I have to do it. Thanks for the input.

[SBJ]

Hey guys...very good weekend with all three of my kids. It was cold and rainy all weekend, so we all just camped out and were together. It is sometimes great to do that. It is also good that they just enjoy being together with me...it totally warms my heart.

The W came by yesterday to give me some of the bill info that I have been asking for. She brought lunch which was kind of nice. Good to have all 5 of us together for the first time in months. The visit ended well.

My W and daughter were talking about Christmas stuff and mentioned that I had not put up the tree yet. The W volunteered to come over next weekend and help decorate the tree. She has always been the one in the family to deck out the house for holidays. Kind of interesting. She has already taken much of our newer decorations, so I pulled down all of the decorations that the kids have made throughout the years. We will see what happens.

My S19 helped me pull things down and said that we needed a manly tree, but then looked at me and said that he knows that I'd settle for the same tree she has decorated for years if she'd be back. He has such a wonderful soul and is very intuitive. He told me that he still doesn't understand what is happening and I told him that there is know way that we can.

Short week for me this week...whitetail hunting is calling my name.

[roist]

I would have said it was no thanks and that You would like to take care of it with the kids (if they are not too old to be interested).

I think you are doing great by the way.