So, I was actually last on here a few years ago with the standard XW with affairs, stolen money, lies, abuse of children - I did not save my marriage, but through the friends and advice on here, I saved myself!
I am not married now, but in a 2.5 year relationship that seems to have somehow followed the WAW syndrome.
Originally, I met SO and we went on a date, but I decided I wasn't quite ready to date yet; we continued to communicate and really became pretty much best friends quickly, and from that point on, we talked every single day. We did hang out a few times, but she was dating, and I was focused on myself, so nothing came of it. About 6 months later, I was bored one night, we were texting and I asked her on a date - for some reason, this time it was pretty much love at first sight.
The good of the next 2 years - incredibly compatible. On religion/faith, kids, dreams, vacations, food, pets, location, sex, politics. I used to keep a joke running tally of how many things we agreed on. Our kids met after about a year, and were crazy about each other - there was no "blending", they did it all. My friends and family loved her, and vice versa. We travelled, I helped her buy a house (the logistics), helped her raise a puppy, she spoiled my kids. Almost idyllic for the largest part.
The bad of the next 2 years - she is ACOA and XH worked 90 hour weeks leaving her alone with a daughter for 6 years. I struggled mightily with trust because of aforementioned XW, and the two of these together sometimes brought about pretty chaotic moments, many of which I admit were my fault. Because of my background with DB, I did go to counseling and work on my side of things and found immense relief.
Things steadily got better through this past summer, but SO seemed to get distant oddly enough. Finally, we talked about how we had both been through a lot, and maybe needed some time to regroup, so we agreed in July to step back, focus on ourselves, and take some time to heal. I went very dim for about a month, went to weekly counseling, read a ton of relationship books. I contacted her about a month later, and we saw each other a few times over the next couple months, but she was VERY guarded, although she reiterated that she loved me and complimented me often on my personal growth. She mentioned several barriers to our success, said that she didn't believe that I had healed enough from my issues, and that some things would have to change for us to be together.
I told her I understood and was in agreement, and maybe it would even be good to scale things back a little, and move even more slowly. She said she didn't think it would work out, and had actually starting seeing someone back in July (when we originally agreed to take some time) - even though she had spent several days with me over the last several weeks, told me she loved me many times, etc. It floored me! She said he was just a very nice guy, it was not a relationship, she wasn't sleeping with him, and he promised her that she could just "be herself". I was stunned, and went into the typical non-DB of reminding her of what she said, that it was really crappy, that we both knew our history. I sent her lots of texts and calls and she said she was happy in this non-relationship, and didn't want to try again. She said she was now moving on, gave the ILYBINILWY quote (even though she had said she loved me like 2 weeks earlier), she would not change her mind, etc. She told my friends she was moving on and wanted nothing to do with me.
We finally met and spoke in person about a month ago, and she was completely the opposite - she was kind and told me she was so impressed with how hard I had worked and the obvious growth. I told her that I was happy she had met someone, and actually got up to leave, and she said, "Don't you want to stay and talk?" I asked her what the purpose was if she had started another relationship, and she said she was not in love with OM, wasn't sure if it would work out, and who knew what time would tell for us, and she was so glad we talked. She told me how handsome I looked, and I fixed a hanging light for her, and she said I was very handy and OM wasn't handy at ALL. I texted her a few days later asking her how she would like to proceed, be friends, etc, and she was back to the opposite - hard, cold, "it's over", "I'm done", and proceeded to block my phone. I was confused, and went to talk to her again, and she was oddly again very sweet, and said she just needed to think about things. I emailed her the next week again saying that I wanted us to just be open, and she was BACK to hard and cold, and threatened to block my email.
Luckily, I remembered the DB lessons, and quit all the pursuit after about 2-2.5 weeks, and subsequently have gone completely dark. Her good friend told me that OM is a rebound relationship and he is very bland and nice and mild, basically doesn't rock the boat.
I dunno, just journaling so the thoughts are out of my head, and I can see them a bit more objectively! - obviously we don't have a marriage to save, but when I step back from the emotional aspect of this, there is more than enough good things to give an effort to someone who clearly is hurting right now. I know I needed to stop pursuit, and I knew I needed to go dark right now, so just trying to figure out my next steps.
