I have not posted in a bit but I have kept up with you and a few others here and another board.
Just wanted to chime in. You are still spinning and off balance (Totally understandable and quite normal), like a boxer you have had your bell rung and only thing holding you up is the ropes ... while you are trying to get your bearings just keep this in mind. MLCrs do things we never thought they were capable of, the selfishness takes front and center stage and they will make poor decision after poor decision all in pursuit of their elusive "happiness". You have to keep this in perspective, the actions she will do are for her (Hurt people hurt people) ... she has this pain she is trying to rid herself of and at the moment she believes this is you and the M, so first step .. Bomb Drop, second.... move out, rings off, cold/monster, D talk .. all of it is script. It takes TIME, tons of it till she will (hopefully) come to grips that her pain has nothing to do with you and its something else, sad thing is they have to figure this out on their own and from what I have learned they married a fixer who wants to fix something he just can not fix ... she must figure this all out on her own and it takes TIME.
My advice ... you have to continue doing the work on yourself because when and if she returns and wants to work on the M you have to learn the tools and become strong enough to endure the challenges reconciliation after MLC requires.
Part of that is what Surfer is trying to get you to do/see. I would be willing to challenge you that over your 25 years you lost some personal identity, things that first attracted her to you. We all did .... just what happens when you become a couple and stay that way for that long, you feel like you lost your left side and in many ways you have. So now you have to grow a new left arm and a new left leg to become a complete attractive person again. Like MLC this too takes time. Allow yourself time to heal and grow as you do it.
There are several books that have been recommended here that helped me begin my journey some 3 years ago ... once you start the path you realize the work will never be finished as you begin to strive to become better everyday, like any long journey it begins with the first step ...one you have already taken the trick is to keep going, she has her own path and she must take it alone (Do not try to wait for her nor speed up trying to get to 'point A')... in my experience the paths cross a few times and it will be up to you both if you chose to walk the same one later on in the hike.
