So lost.

[Calibri]

Thank you for those words. In my heart I know that him being so unhealthy is also causing my own well being to suffer. It's scary to think about a life without him.. I also know he has been the love of my life. Maybe he always will be, together or not.. but I let my love for him rule over my love for myself for so long now. I think I keep making the excuse of the last 10 years we've been together with his illness never affecting us, not even close to what this has been like... And then then I also think, how is it that he can be this unhealthy right now, yet he can maintain this relationship with OW and even discuss marriage with her... or is that another delusion of his illness?

It IS scary to think about a life without him in it. But it's been my experience that he may (or may not) return, or cycle back to you. And can be involved as little or as much as you allow it. But as you and I know, there is the potential that his illness becomes your illness and that cannot happen. You have to remain healthy for your sake.

As for the OW situation. I went through the same thing. Three weeks before our divorce was final, XH (in a manic state) started a relationship with a known drug addict and alcoholic. Bought two cars within the span of a month, and moved into a house into one of the priciest neighborhoods in our city. I endured hearing about how "great" she was and how their relationship was "healthy and things were amazing and how she was cool with his diagnosis and didn't think it was a big deal." I remember WAILING on my therapists couch for session after session asking the same question you asked. I didn't understand how he could be so unhealthy and unstable (and how it seemed to be only obvious to me) and yet be stable enough to have this (seemingly) great and stable relationship. My therapist very patiently let me go round and round until she finally slapped me upside the head with reality. She said that the new relationship wasn't healthy for multiple reasons, but that it was a mix of a distraction from reality and a byproduct of the illness and other unresolved FOO issues. She told me that the girlfriend wasn't healthy - and that it would fall apart eventually and that I would see.

True to her word - the cracks began to show about three months ago, and he's allegedly working remove himself from the situation.

Your husband may or may not be ill. But he has chosen an OW who has chosen to carry on a relationship with a man who hasn't left his marriage, and is doing drugs and perhaps other illegal activities. Affairs usually don't work - but factor illness and drugs and other things - and you have a relationship that will self implode eventually. But take heart - it's not about you. It's about him. It really is.

I feel like I have wasted the last year, just contributing and enabling this situation. But you're right, I have to commit to boundaries, go dim, and protect myself and my daughter.. My mom has been pleading with me to start putting things in place to protect us, mainly because neither myself or H has filed yet. I need to gather my courage.

I don't think it's a wasted year. You've learned something from it, haven't you? At the end of the day - you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you did everything you could do. I think you've done that. I would encourage you to meet with an attorney (or two) to see what your options are. Do research and find an attorney who has experience with high conflict divorces. If it gets to that point, you'll need an attorney who can deal with the ups and down that this will bring, and will be able to help you protect yourself. You don't have to file - but you owe it to yourself to be informed about your rights.

I would encourage you to read the lighthouse story. Additionally - I would encourage you to do IC (if you aren't doing it already).

Best wishes.