Standing here very confused

[Steady9]

I agree with Sandi--unless you have an open relationship.... If you have a one on one MR-- I agree with Sandi. If you have secrets with someone of the opposite sex.... what is that for.?.? If you need a C, then see a professional.

I think if is good to find hard evidence of A if there is one. That does not mean you confront though. Post on the boards if you find evidence--and get feedback.

I think it is normal for people to look for support from others outside the marriage (not right perhaps, but normal) And then it gets out of hand with more talking and perhaps physical stuff.... As people get older, they become unhappy with themselves but look at their partner as the cause....

If you detach, it shakes their stability and may cause them to snap out of it and face reality, that they better be proactive and take care of their happiness, which hopefully includes you!! But you have to proceed as the forum suggests, with 180, detachment etc... and keep all this to your self.... If your partner finds out, they will think you are manipulating versus trying to move forward.

If you find hard data about A, it is helpful to know where you are so to speak, but does not define how you will proceed. Even if no A, he is still not being respectful... and don't you want to be respected and loved..... So how will you proceed. It is hard, but find a model to be this person who will stay strong, and keep emotions to themselves and emote only friendly, pragmatic, actions... and words....