So lost.

[Calibri]

MelBear,

I don't post anymore, but occasionally browse the threads. I felt compelled to write to you because I could relate to a lot of your story.

My XH left me in the fall of 2014. What I didn't realize, at the time, was he was having his first full blown manic episode. His mania manifested as pure rage, and a full re-writing of history. It was awful, and to this day I still get sick to my stomach remembering how he was.

While I've learned that mania presents differently in people - it does sound like your husband may be having an episode. Or this may be who he is as an individual. The crappy thing about the illness is wading through what's their actual behavior, and what's being caused by the illness.

But, what I wanted to tell you is something I wish I had known when I started this crappy journey. This gem comes from my therapist - and has helped me, A LOT.

Sometimes, people aren't healthy enough to do life with us. Be it mentally, physically, emotionally. Sometimes they can't do it. And that's ok.

XH is one of my soulmates - and one of the loves of my life, if not THE love of my life. I don't dispute that. And just because we are no longer married, doesn't make him less of a person, or less important. However, he cannot be my partner, my husband, and in my life in a significant way while he isn't healthy. It's not good for him. It's not good for me. And that's the bottom line.

Your husband isn't healthy - be it emotionally or mentally. The current relationship ya'll have isn't healthy. And it sounds like the situation is taking a toll on you and has the potential to bring you down as well. You can't let it. Yes, you are going to mourn. Yes, you are going to love him. Yes, there's going to be a small (or even a big) part of you that wants it to work out. That's normal. It's part of the process in grieving things that have come to an end, be it temporarily or permanently. I have a sticky note on my desk that says: "Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And then let it go." It's a process but it gets better.

Protect yourself. Protect your child. Protect your assets. Love him, but love yourself more. Boundaries. Put them in place. He will chafe at them, but it's what you need.

If he gets healthy, gets rid of the OW, and is truly remorseful and wants to do the work - then you can address it at that time. But until them, I would suggest going dim/dark and putting things in place to protect yourself.

--

I am sorry that you are here and truly wish the best for you,whatever that looks like.