Thank you all so much for giving me such good feedback, support and advice.
What I know about myself.
I am super sensitive. I am a super sensitive person who is also rock hard. it's a paradox within myself and can be hard for others to handle and myself to handle.
I make lots and lots of mistakes. Which is ok. Sometimes I repeat mistakes, but luckily, I catch myself pretty early and I have a much easier time dusting off and moving on. I don't beat myself up as bad.
Why can't I fully break this off? I don't know. Is it me, is it him, do I not want to feel like an arse? But holding off any longer will make me feel like one. Maybe a part of me hopes it will work out somehow some way. But it won't.
I have a very in order regimented life right now. Crazy busy, sometimes too much pressure to do all alone emotionally, but I think it's best if I just keep my order. Especially since my child is doing the best she ever has, and I don't know that I really want to rock that boat.
I really just am not in a place to be juggling dating right now. And I come to realize most men cannot handle ME. I don't need a man to live and while they think at first, "that's really attractive" I feel like they feel less of a man because of that and try to compensate in other ways. It's easy for a guy to take care of certain needs like paying for things, and the such. But the needs I have aren't ones many want to or are capable of fulfilling. They are the hard ones. And yes, I am not so easy to love, I realize that. I am a very hard shell with a very soft center. Life has kicked my butt, and this is the end result. Which I accept about me.
Will someone else accept it one day? Maybe, maybe not. He'd have to be one helluva strong man. And maybe to that person, I will, indeed, easy to love.
