A Father, that was called a Super Hero-Wolverine

[Phoebe]

"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." Buddha

Well, that's the truth.

SH, it's time for tea and conversation. I've been missing you, and am glad to see you again. I put this exact same post in my own thread, because I wanted to be able to find it. Sorry for the redundancy.

It's been such a long journey that we've been on, and, certainly, I still have a long way to go, but in many ways I know that I have changed so very much over the past 11+ months. Maybe I haven't been spending nearly enough time with the Buddha's teachings, but I have gained some skills that lean in that direction. I'm not altogether sure when they showed up, as I think they have been building very gradually, but I am grateful.

I thought maybe I should write them down, as a bit of journaling, just so I can see how far I've come.

Most of the time I can recognize and allow myself to feel whatever emotions come along these days, knowing full well that they are normal and that they will also pass, and all the more easily if I allow them into, and then out of, my life. I can let myself feel without fear that I will lose myself to my emotions. Feeling are just feelings. They will pass.

I can control my thoughts so much better these days, and that is priceless beyond measure. If I notice that I am getting into a mental loop that promises nothing positive, I am getting quite good at shutting it down and letting myself move on to something better. I can direct myself down different thought paths if necessary, but I can generally clear my mind almost as well. I am able to be present in the moment most of the time, without stray thoughts meandering through to sabotage my enjoyment of the moment.

I have learned that forgiveness is a gift I give myself. STBXH need never know. Forgiveness is letting the past go so that it no longer has power over me. And I have also learned that I needed to forgive myself. I know that I was part of the problem, yet I also know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I was true, and I gave my love unreservedly. I stood, and chose to shine my light into the darkness, to be the lighthouse.

I've been though something incredibly painful and difficult, and yet I do not feel that I have been permanently damaged. It does not and will not define me. Lately I have been looking to my future and my dreams again. Maybe they will be different than I imagined them, once upon a time, but I am still myself, and my dreams are still my own.

Silver Heart, I looked over at FB for MR's thoughts, and I'm not altogether sure what to make of them. I don't see anyone as my enemy, not even my STBXWH. If anything, I pity him. I believe that he gave up something that was not perfect, but was genuinely good. He is not yet able to see that for himself because he is still so bound in his own anger and struggling with his own demons. I hope that someday he can tie the many threads of his own life back together again.

For myself, I will try to take care of my mind wisely, just as MR suggests. I think that I will take up the threads that surround me and weave myself a tapestry of friends and family, nature and farm.

Goodnight.

((((((((((Silver Heart))))))))))