It seems to me that every mistake you make is b/c of your dependency on the MR.
Have a question for you......does this schedule with the kids show you having them on weekends most of the time?
Its actually funny you mentioned that Sandi.. When I first came up with the schedule it did have me having them most of the weekend then every other Saturday off. Well discussed that with my therapist and he said that isn't fair to you. She asked for this and needs to step up with the kids. I told him I wanted to do a 2-2-3 split but wasn't sure how she would react.. He said - Who cares how she reacts? Its not about that. She asked for this.. She is separating from you. He challenged me to go home that night and tell her we are going to do the 2-2-3 split. While I didn't do it that night I did tell her the next day that was how we were going to handle it. So now she has them every other weekend. Also surprisingly she didn't get mad or angry. She agreed it was fair and worked for both of us.
So you are right... my first instinct was to be a doormat but luckily I had a therapist who talked me out of it. He wants me to get to a place that I won't be there for her all the time. He echo's pretty much everything you have said. I am way to dependent on the MR and realize it.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
So this past weekend was my first weekend with out my kids in the house. On Friday the W and I had to take our D3 to the dentist because she needed to have some work done on her back molar. My D3 isn't the best patient for anything and we agreed it would be best if we were both there. So after the dentist we went back to my house to the W could check out the new Call of Duty game (we used to play it quite a bit together). Then she had to go to work.
On Saturday I went to the gym and didn't do a whole lot until the evening. Then I went out to a local bar with some friends. I will say some interesting things happened while I was there. I ended up flirting with 2 different girls there just for fun. I am in no way wanting a relationship or anything. It was just sort of interesting to see. I have lost 60+ lbs since the spring so I am not used to the attention that I was getting. I normally only went out with my W and never usually by myself. I will admit it felt really good.. one of the girls even took my phone to put her number in. I deleted it later that night because no reason for me to keep it.
It also made me realize that no matter what.. even if my relationship with my W does fully end I will be OK. A lot of my self talk has been that I don't want to end up alone. I now realize that is just a lot of fear talking. I will only end up where I choose to end up. I make the choices and am responsible for myself.
On Sunday I did go swimming with the W and kids. Then went over to her house for awhile to hang out. After doing that though I decided I have to stop doing that. I realize I am making it easier for her when she has the kids. She gets easily frustrated with them and for some reason I feel its my job to help. So I am making it a goal not to offer to hang out or anything that would take away from her having to be the parent when its her time.
After leaving my W apartment I went home and did fall into a little bit of a depression.. It was strange being alone in my house. I ended up just laying on the couch watching movies. Again this was me letting myself feel that way. I have plenty of projects around the house that I could be working on and should have done. I need to make sure that I get up and start doing them. I have a long road ahead of me and will have plenty of nights where I don't have a GAL and will be alone. What I choose to do with that time is up to me.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
I have plenty of projects around the house that I could be working on and should have done. I need to make sure that I get up and start doing them. I have a long road ahead of me and will have plenty of nights where I don't have a GAL and will be alone. What I choose to do with that time is up to me.
matw,
I've found that I'm much better doing outdoor projects than indoor projects. I can stay outdoors from dusk to dawn, but indoor projects are a lot harder for me. The one thing I've found that really helps is to turn a project into a creative endeavor. For example, if I need to paint a room, I don't look at it as a task to be completed, instead the task is to make it so interesting and different that the room can become a showpiece. Try venetian plaster instead of paint. Use different colors of metallic paint. There's all sorts of stuff that can be done. But, the routine stuff doesn't get me off my @ss, the creative stuff does get me going.
I don't know if that approach will help you, but it's made a lot of difference for me. And, as a bonus, when people see your house and they start complimenting you, then things get kicked into high gear (and your WW may notice as well).
On Sunday I did go swimming with the W and kids. Then went over to her house for awhile to hang out. After doing that though I decided I have to stop doing that. I realize I am making it easier for her when she has the kids. She gets easily frustrated with them and for some reason I feel its my job to help. So I am making it a goal not to offer to hang out or anything that would take away from her having to be the parent when its her time.
Not only that, it is a way to keep you emotional dependent on the relationship. She needs to experience the picture of divorce. If you were divorce, would you being going inside her place and hanging out? One of the biggest traps to beware of while going through this part is doing things "as a family". That is eating cake, and does not show her how divorce looks. Divorce does bring a family together, it tears them apart.
It is not your job to take care of the things that cause her frustration. Don't be her free handyman around the house, and don't be an easy babysitter at the last minute. If she needs a sitter, she should call well in advance, otherwise, you have plans.
So, what are you doing in your spare time without the kids? What do you do for inspiration?
Quote:
It also made me realize that no matter what.. even if my relationship with my W does fully end I will be OK. A lot of my self talk has been that I don't want to end up alone. I now realize that is just a lot of fear talking. I will only end up where I choose to end up. I make the choices and am responsible for myself.
Be your own best friend when you self talk.......or in anything else. Don't speak in negatives. Talk positively like you would encourage you buddy. Do you like listening to motivational tapes? Maybe research for tapes, book, etc., for self-affirmation
Quote:
After leaving my W apartment I went home and did fall into a little bit of a depression.. It was strange being alone in my house.
Preplan around those times you feel are the loneliest. For example, when the kids first leave or you are walking into an empty house. For some people it's when they first get up in the mornings. Break routine, play music that gets you pumping, whatever works. Have something waiting that is fun, a game, movie, something to cook or eat, someone to call, a great book to read......just something to break the feeling of being lonely.
You are going to make it through to the other side. You will be a better man, when this is over, and you will like who you've become.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've found that I'm much better doing outdoor projects than indoor projects. I can stay outdoors from dusk to dawn, but indoor projects are a lot harder for me. The one thing I've found that really helps is to turn a project into a creative endeavor. For example, if I need to paint a room, I don't look at it as a task to be completed, instead the task is to make it so interesting and different that the room can become a showpiece. Try venetian plaster instead of paint. Use different colors of metallic paint. There's all sorts of stuff that can be done. But, the routine stuff doesn't get me off my @ss, the creative stuff does get me going.
I don't know if that approach will help you, but it's made a lot of difference for me. And, as a bonus, when people see your house and they start complimenting you, then things get kicked into high gear (and your WW may notice as well).
Hey Doodler,
Yeah I wish I was more handy like that and should probably at least try doing something. There are a few projects that I can work on... I have a huge amount of tile floors and counter tops that could use the grout cleaned. Maybe I will start doing that because it will keep me busy for a while!
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
Not only that, it is a way to keep you emotional dependent on the relationship. She needs to experience the picture of divorce. If you were divorce, would you being going inside her place and hanging out? One of the biggest traps to beware of while going through this part is doing things "as a family". That is eating cake, and does not show her how divorce looks. Divorce does bring a family together, it tears them apart.
It is not your job to take care of the things that cause her frustration. Don't be her free handyman around the house, and don't be an easy babysitter at the last minute. If she needs a sitter, she should call well in advance, otherwise, you have plans.
So, what are you doing in your spare time without the kids? What do you do for inspiration?
Hey Sandi - yeah this is the part I struggle with. I need to make sure I am not going over there and helping her. She really does need to feel the pain of what it will be like if I am not there. When we were divorced the first time I used to go over and help her a lot. I am realizing though it took over 3 years for us to get back together. I don't want to do that again. My life was put on hold for way to long.
As for the self talk I need am slowly catching myself when I am talking down or talking in negative. When I do catch myself I am switching that to a positive and seeing what I can find.
I like the idea of preplanning for when I am the lonely at home. I think it was just hard because it was Sunday night and was the first one without anybody in the house. There is plenty I could do and I have a pretty good support system if I need to reach out to anybody. I think with time I will be more willing/able to handle being alone in the house. I used to have a lot of little hobbies that I don't do anymore that I think I will get back into. It keeps me busy and is a lot of fun. My W always used to give me crap for never staying with one hobby. Now I don't have to worry about her I will go back to doing those. As always thanks for the great advice and I really do appreciate it.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
So the last few days have been decent and I am continuing to work on myself. I am trying to detach more and more everyday and hopefully getting to a point that I am not affected by my W actions.
So on Thanksgiving my W had to work. She works at the at the front desk and they were giving her time and half for working the holidays. She had the kids Wed night and took them to the gym with her (they have daycare). So I went to the gym, worked out, then took the kids home with me. When I talked to the W I kept it light didn't really say a whole lot to her. Later in the day I took my kids to my parents house for Thanksgiving dinner where my W met us. Again we all talked and had fun with no serious conversations. My W had the kids Thursday night so they left after a few hours and I went home.
On Friday my W called and asked if she could bring her comforter over to the house to wash it. She had spilled coffee and wouldn't fit in her washer at her apartment. I told her that was OK. I was already planning on taking the kids to see Trolls and wasn't going to be home. So she came over with the kids and we left shortly after to see the movie. It was a great movie and my kids really enjoyed it. Then back home to spend the rest of the day with the kids.
On Saturday I went to the gym in the morning and again saw the W. Talked to her for a little bit(she was working). After getting my kids from my parents(they were watching them while I worked out) I decided to go support a our mortgage broker friend and our realtor friend her where doing a Small Business Meet and greet. These two ladies know our story (the mortgage broker is really good friends with my W). They were both very helpful this past summer when my W and I were looking at buying a new house (back when we were getting along great and before the I need space now). It was fun talking to them and supporting them. After visiting with them I took the kids to the local Jr High so I could do some HIIT cardio (Sprint the straights walk the corners). Then back home for some quality time with my kids.
On Sunday I got a bit of shock seeing my W posting some pictures of her going out with her step sister on FB. If I am honest with myself I will say it affected me but not as much as it would have a few weeks ago. So I am seeing a little progress on the detachment stand point. Other than that spent most of the day with my kids playing and having fun. Took off to the gym at 2pm to lift with a friend.
Overall it was a pretty good few days. I am finding myself getting a little stronger every day. There are still things that bother me and I find myself obsessing about but I am trying to push past them. Slowly I am realizing that no matter what I will be ok. Some of the true tests will be this week when I don't have the kids. I am taking Sandi's advice and have plans for what I will do to fill my time. That way I don't act out of loneliness or hit a bad spot emotionally.
Tonight I am planning on doing some cardio after work then going home to just rest and relax. Tomorrow night I will go to a kickboxing class and hang out with my friends there. I need to get some GAL activities ready for this weekend and will be trying to plan that during the week.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
So one thing that has been really bothering me and I don't know why. We got the our S10 and S9 a cell phone they can share so they can text or call us whenever they want. We wanted them to have the freedom to reach out to either parent no matter what. So when the kids are with my W they are consistently texting/calling me. Just to talk, tell me the miss me, etc... When the kids are with me they never hear from my W. She hardly ever texts them to see how they are doing and if they text her she gives pretty short answers. Now this is a lady who consistently texts her friends so she uses texts a lot.
Like I said I don't know why it bothers me. The kids did tell me they do miss their mom and wish she would talk to them more. I know I can't control her and am not going to bring it up to her. I am just going to continue being there for them and that's really all I can do. The separation has been hard on my boys especially my S9 so I would rather be to available for them then not enough.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
So my W just emailed me at work to let me know what her school schedule is going to be for next semester. Then she writes in there that is wondering if we could get together to grab a bite and talk about stuff. Of course my mind is racing and I am assuming its probably not going to be good news. Not really sure how to respond to her.... Oh this [censored].
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
You can ask her if it's going to be a quickie. If she answers in an angry tone because of the sexual intent, then tell her you just wanted to know if it was a quick bite to eat and brief discussion. If she hints around that maybe doing the naughty thing is a possibility, then you know things might be better (or she wants something). So, there's the perfect temp-check.
Disclaimer: I'm the absolute worst DBer in the universe, but right now I could use a quickie.
