D and MLC

[ciluzen]

I'm writing this here as an outlet, I think, because I'm not sure what else to do with the emotion.

Twenty-two years ago, my H (now XH) and I moved 1500 miles away from both of our families. At the time, I just went with it without thinking much about it. After all, isn't that what children do? My father's parents were across the country and my mother's father, though nearby, was rarely seen. My sisters and brother were so much older than I and only rarely came to visit after they graduated from high school (I was 8 when the last moved out). All of my friends went away to college (as did I) and were spread to the four winds after they graduated.

Looking back, though, I realize how out of character it was for him to pack up his wife and children and move so far away from his very close family, full of aunts and cousins and family get togethers that were so big in his youth that Thanksgiving had to be held in a large banquet room at a restauraunt his uncle owned. Even so, his parents visited often and we visited often when our kids were young. My older BIL (a pilot) made a point of visiting often. I got to know my MIL during our visits very well with hours of listening to her talk...she seemed to need to tell her stories. She had no close friends of her own and her friends were the couples that her H befriended (sounds just like me in my M). She was a very sweet lady who loved her children and had a need to care for and nurture things. In later years, she had a large group of cats to care for, which her husband hated. Another oddity; they never called to speak to my children, their grandchildren. FIL even said onetime when I apologized for the kids being so busy during a visit when they were in school, "we only come up to see our son anyway." Those visits dwindled to once every few years after that, usually as they were on their way to somewhere else.

As I have mentioned, one of the things that I believe has triggered H's MLC is stress about his mother's Alzheimer's. He was scheduled to go down to his family in a few weeks to dscuss options for her care, finances, and to try to convince FIL that he needed help in caring for her. He disclosed that she was to the point that his father needed to help her eat.

Yesterday she wandered off. I found out due to the fact that my SIL posted on FB to share with people in the area. I immediately called D26 who verified that XH had told her, but asked that I not be told because "he didn't want me to worry". There is a large search going on with search dogs and helicopters and she is still missing. After much debate, I felt I had to reach out to XH. He is holding it all in and telling both Ds and me that he is fine. I know he's not...his holding strong emotions in is what caused the snap of BD. I worry that this may cause another snap, but what kind?

I just don't even know what to do in this situation. I care for her and am worried sick and I care for him still and worry for him, but other than letting him know I am concerned, I can do nothing.

Prayers and good vibes are asked for at this time. She must be so scared.