Still lost, still confused (part 2)

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It primarily is anger and fear. I think anyone who isn't on here to try and save their marriage at least in the beginning is not being truthful. Ofcourse working on myself and being the best I can be is the primary goal but, I have yet to meet anyone that is please or happy just competing in the olympics without them wanting in the back of their mind winning the gold.

Of course everyone comes here originally to save their marriage. Nobody thats single and looking for self improvement would go to a forum about divorce. That said, the things that are best for your marriage are also the best for you...in other words, the path towards self improvement is also the path which has the best chance to save your marriage.

It's deflating when someone who you have built a life with tells you after 18 years that you aren't good enough but this OM is. Do I know it's true? No. but it's true to her and she's the judge, jury, and executioner.

I completely agree. Nobody likes to be told that there is somebody 'better' out there. Maybe he is, maybe he isnt. Youre right - your opinion doesnt matter on this topic.

Vanilla is right about the "set free" comment. This has been over a year now. 8 months since being intimate (once all year), 7 months since kissing, 6 months since hugging anyone other than my D's. It's not easy. Not at all.

Nope. It isnt. So wat youre saying s that on the day of the divorce you are going to go out and start dating again? I understand. For me, I didnt wait until the official divorce; I think I started getting 'out there' about a month before it was finalized. I say to each their own on that - I feel it's more about timing and each person rather than whats reported to the government, but I can understand the other side.

Throughout our marriage, she has always been a teller. She gets loud and animated when she is angry. I no longer allow to be yelled at or cursed at over the phone. With regards to other boundaries, it's interesting how when someone doesn't want to be around you how boundaries aren't that difficult to enforce. Past boundaries were not being around when she would be texting OM during family time. But again, not an issue anymore.

You said this:
But at some point, you stop allowing someone to disrespect you and your boundaries.
So what boundaries are being disrespected? My question was why are you allowing your boundaries to be disrespected now? Your comment was that your divorce would end the disrespect.

I've tried the "treat everyone as I wish to be treated" and it sounds awesome! But again, when your best friend begins banging your wife. You lose some faith in humanity. Sorry if I sound bitter but, it's true. 2 people that got tons of respect, encouragement, support, etc (all things I wish from people) ended up pouncing on the opportunity. If you can't trust your spouse or your closest friend, who can you?

You dont have to apologize to me. But on the one hand, you want to be 'set free' to see other people and on the other hand, you've 'lost faith in humanity'. So you are itching to get ride back on that train but now with a bitter heart? Yes, people can be incredibly cruel. But in my mind, if you learn how to treat others as you should, they will respond in kind.

How does my view change on her post divorce from what it is now? Divorce may be just the legal side to some but it's far more to me. I'm not religious but I deeply believe that marriage is a bond that is treasured. Not disposable. Many things can tarnish or ding that bond but, divorce breaks it forever imo. It shows that someone gave up on the other. Permanently.

Thats a fine view. In my mind, the bond is broken at BD. The actual divorce proceedings are just paperwork. I believe just as strongly in the bond of marriage, but I dont believe the break is permanent - anything can happen at any time.

I'm not so sure that the statement about many people are here to make themselves better for their next relationship.....if that's truly the case then I'm not so sure the divorce busting model or website is the right place. I get the some parts of personal enrichment can cross over but, most of the technique and method is geared towards trying to save your marriage. There are far better resources for personal development. MWD is in the marriage saving business. Not the prep for your next relationship business.

As I said above, in my mind, the marriage is pretty much already over at BD. So there isnt anything to 'save'. The only thing we can really control is our words, thoughts, actions, reactions, emotions, etc. So that is where the energy should focus. As I said above, that type of self-discovery and self-improvement is exactly following the DB model. It's about getting a life....it's about doing the 180....its about setting personal goals and trying to achieve them. We all come here hoping to reconcile and Ive seen many who have. My hope is that those relationships come out stronger and more mature based on their time here.