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Kyh I'm glad your S had a good birthday. Not too sure what to say about your W's behaviour with looking for a place, but it sounds to me like you are doing great, you are dealing with her crazy like a pro.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Thanks Esame:)

Sorry but this post is going to be a vent.

W seemed to continually get worse since my last post. I feel like she's been waiting to pounce on anything she can again. She wasn't around all weekend because she said she was sick (how crazy is it that IDK if I can even believe her). Then this week she has been talking about getting an apartment any time she is around me. She hasn't been staying long at all lately though and her attitude usually stinks. Weird though, Monday night she started wrestling the big dog and a couple weekends ago she was playing with her cat.

When she is around she will want to tell me about it (apartments) then get on her phone, even when I'm trying to talk to her, and when I leave she will follow me into the other room and tell me more about it. I haven't said much back. She mentioned once how she needs to do something so I can have a break from the kids. I told her I didn't need or want one and I was fine.

Well yesterday morning I was almost to my office (she makes me late every day) and she calls yelling at me that the dogs are fighting bad and to come home. I told her I didn't know what to do that it would take me 15 minutes to turn around. She got mad and hung up. Then I got a few hostile texts. Then I got an email forward from my lawyer from w's lawyer asking about when the divorce decree would be done. W had just called her. So the dogs got in a fight, it's somehow my fault, and w calls her lawyer (I can tell by the times). W's lawyer is something else too, just the things she writes... I try not to let it get to me. I have to wonder what w is telling her.

W wanted to come over last night to pack the kids up so they were ready to go. That didn't happen, but she asked if I could get a few things ready to help. I packed everything for them last night. No thank you, she just got mad because I let D sleep in a little and she wasn't dressed when w got here. She said she wanted to stop over, get them and go. 2.5 hours later she calls me because she left her keys on in her car and the battery was dead. She was nice and at least said thanks but didn't bother to get out of the car.

After I got back to work she texted that something was wrong with the little dog from the fight, she was trying to take her. She got messed up bad. I met her back at my house and took the dog to the vet (poor thing). I texted to let her know about her when I got a call and now it's back on me. I picked her up tonight and before I got in the house I get texted from w and MIL within a few seconds of each other. Both basically insinuating I have no sense, asking me how I'm going to keep the dogs apart, etc. I answered w and kept it short. Then I get her classic "thanks." where she throws the period in for attitude. I'm not going to text MIL back, I don't need this and her crazy is on a whole different level. W is acting like her since MLC, it's nuts. IDK if I've said this before, but in hindsight, I can see a change in W since she started having contact with her parents. Up to and a little after we got married w had very little/almost no contact with them. They basically disowned w's crazy@ sister and took her back in.

Last night she also criticized me because s had a little cut or splinter on his finger that was infected. I had cleaned it up but told her so she could take care of it when she had them. She also seemed irritated that I set a pie out for them to take. The kids wanted to make one for Thanksgiving and I wanted to make sure s had a gluten free one. IDK what is up with her but she has continually gotten more distant and occasionally hostile the last month or so.

Hoping for a nice long weekend but I'm missing the kids already. The last few days have stunk, I've tried not to but with w and everything happening it's hard not to let it get to me. Not sure what I'm going to do about my dogs. It's just those two that don't get along.

Sorry again for the rambling vent. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving (or weekend if you're not in the states).

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W has continued to be cold and hostile. I've kept my only contact to asking to talk to the kids. W texted a few times yesterday morning about the dog but I kept things short. When I text she usually takes more than an hour to respond. She's acting like she was this summer. I'm the bad guy again, great, lol.

I'm trying not to let everything and w bother me but it has been a little bit of a rough week. I was trying to deal with it my best but it hit me hard this week and w has not been helping. My life was my family and kids and without them IDK what to do. I have to keep myself busy. My GAL involved the kids because I almost always have them.

It sounds bad, and I feel bad for not going home, but I didn't do anything for Thanksgiving. I've been running on fumes for a while and I slept the entire day, I was up a few hours, fell asleep and woke up just before 5 watched a movie and went back to bed. I think it was some much needed rest.

W's plan was to come back tomorrow due to weather and because she usually can't spend more than 3ish days at her parents because she will get in an argument with her mom. I can't wait for the kids to come back:)

I've been reading old threads/homework and realizing I need to keep working at letting go. We can't speed their process up for them but I think we can prolong it.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

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I'm so sorry she's being cold and hostile right now. The funk she's in may not have anything to do w/you. She'll work through this and be back to her self in a while. Let her fume for a while. If she texts you again, don't be so quick in responding to her.

You are absolutely right in stating that we can't speed up the process for them. They have to bake for quite some time before they are ready to come out of the MLC oven. Continue to work on letting go. If you notice, when you distance yourself from her, she tends to come nearer to you and when you start warming up and coming closer, she distances herself from you again.

Please take care of yourself. Try to find something fun to do this weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Kyh,

I noticed that lately it's getting more difficult for you again. Is it because you see each other more often than before so you see and know more and maybe over-analyse more? You need to try to detach again.

I agree with Job, do not respond fast and if the text does not really need an answer don't respond at all. You need to make yourself less available. I've been doing it with my h for a few weeks now and I can see he is wondering what's happening and testing me more.

I'm sorry about your Thanksgiving but it seems to me that you needed a day like that for a long time now. I wanted to tell you already before that when your w comes to the house to see the kids maybe you should use that time to leave and do something just by yourself. I know you want to be there for your kids. I'm the same. But we all need just some "me" time. If nothing else just go for a walk.

Have a nice weekend!


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Hi Kyh,
Glad you got some much-needed rest. I understand completely. I have a lot of GAL going on, but still struggle with sleep from time to time. It is getting easier though, so hang in there.

For me, I've noticed that I can sometimes be a bit manic about GAL, in an attempt to fill the empty spaces - the ones that are vacated every other week when S is with STBXH. When I notice that, I step back and just try to give myself more time and space.

What I've also noticed is that the more time I spend alone, the more I seem to be finding my way, trying out different things. Some activities will always stick, like photography, others - not so much. Think about something you used to like to do and give it a whirl again. Doesn't have to be something big, can be something really small ... point is, just dig into your memory banks and try something out ... we've been given the gift of time, right? so in my book it's ok to catch up on sleep, but also important to use some of it to figure out who we are now.

xoxoxo hang in there and {{{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Thanks for the replies everyone.

Bee, maybe I am overanalyzing. I have been seeing her less over the last few weeks as she has distanced but I probably am overanalyzing the situation as she has also not been as friendly. I need to work on letting go. It's so hard when the ghost I love haunts the house at times.

Bttrfly, I have a lot to work on with GAL and figuring myself out. I also need to find a healthy mix of relaxing. I used to go hiking all the time which is hard this time of the year and also w/o W. It was our thing so it's kind of a trigger, we'd go out all day. I will have to learn to get over that because I really enjoy it. I need to find some little things. I've also been trying to think of some goals for myself starting with more exercise and finding a new job.

Job, you're right. It seems like her funk has already lifted a little. I wonder how much of it is due to the holidays or maybe unrecognized guilt/confusion.

I've been having very little communication. I did text yesterday evening to see if she was coming back. Her reply was friendly, I just said to drive safe and again a short friendly reply. She was nice once she got here and she stayed awhile. She told me she planned on going to see one of her friends today, a 3 hour one-way drive and the kids said they wanted to go when she asked so she stopped by again this morning to pick them up. She was friendly again this morning showing me pictures of the kids from the week and asking about how my sister was. My sister told me she texted her today too.

I'm going to keep on being consistent with what I've been doing and work more on detaching, letting her spin. I think I did an okay job not letting W see how things got to me last week.

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Wow, w is really something tonight. She was giving me a little grief this morning because I forgot to rsvp for a bday party for the kids. I just asked her to send me a pic of the invite and took care of it, no biggie.

We did text a little this afternoon. She asked to take the big dog to work. I said sure, kept it short. Then a little later she texted that they got robbed this weekend while her boss was there but she didn't know until after they were gone. We texted a little but I kept it short still.

Tonight she called to ask if I wanted her to pick up the kids. Then said she'd meet at my house since she didn't have car seats. As soon as I came home I could sense her hostility. I pulled in the garage and took the dog in while the kids ran over to her car. I heard them ask her for gum. They told me she promised them some yesterday (on another note I had to cut gum out of d's hair tonight lol). The kids came in then I see her back out of the driveway and take off down the street like a maniac. Stupidly I called, the kids didn't know what was going on, I didn't, and I didn't know if her dog was here. No answer. She showed up later and gives them gum and starts in with anger. "I'm a f'ing s***** mom, I don't have anywhere to live, the least I can do is give them gum" and walks off. I was just about to serve dinner but needed butter so I asked if she would stay while I ran out. D was doing homework and asked for my help so I told her her mom would love to help. When I got back I told her she was welcome to eat with us and she said "no I ate lunch today." then she tells me about another apartment, so I guess she got denied and is spewing. She asked me if I needed anything from natural grocers then said the wraps I buy are gross and she's going to get s some different ones.

She then tells me again "I'm a s***** mom and the kids hate me" turns and tells the kids love you, they don't respond, then she storms out. Later in the night she texts she couldn't find any wraps. I thanked her for looking and she was nice. Then a little later she tells me she wants the kids over Christmas. We discussed this briefly awhile back and I didn't agree to anything. I didn't reply. Not sure how to deal with this. I really don't want to give up the kids for another holiday but realize it's part of all this. I also think it would be good for her to have to miss them. I had them for Easter and the 4th but she willingly had it that easy to be with om. Her loss. I think I will just give it a couple days and see what happens. She's really out there tonight.

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Isn't that holiday stuff sometimes part of the legal agreement? Some people split Christmas - Christmas Eve with one parent then the day with the other, next year switch off.

Just had this conversation over the weekend with my friend who is a psychologist. That's been her experience of clients going through this.

Excellent job not responding to the crazy.

xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I think it's time to set up a holiday schedule. If you have them Christmas Eve, then she should have them Christmas Day and next year it would be vice versa. Holidays have always been a pain in the side of separated/divorced parents...but a schedule would help alleviate some of the tension and will help both of you to arrange your schedules the best way possible.

Your w was angry because she didn't get the apartment and her commenting about being a "xxx mother" was part of the poor me mentality as well as feeling guilty for not remembering the gum. Don't buy into her rants. When she doesn't get what she wants or things don't play out like she thinks they should, she's going to be ranting and it's not your place or the children's to be her targets for this stuff. Don't buy into her drama.

You've got plenty of time to work out the details for the upcoming holiday and I would sit her down and let her know which day you will have the children and I would stick to my stand on this. If you have them Christmas Eve, then she should have them New Year's Eve, etc. It's time to show her what life is going to be about if she continues down this road of destruction. It's nothing personal...it's more about the welfare of your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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