I don't post much, I have only one thread so far (in Midlife Crisis forum). I don't really know how to put links here yet. But you would not find my posts very relevant as I only started to post after I asked my h to leave which was after the second affair was discovered. So, I only mentioned the first affair briefly and not the happy time between the two as it was not really relevant for my current situation.
To answer your question about time line, after I discovered his first affair, he put an end to it and we agreed to work on the marriage. But given that he was her boss, he had to continue being it touch with her. I insisted that he doesn't talk privately with her, no lunches together etc. No lunches he respected but she kept texting him privately (mostly about her feelings and how hurt she was) and he was replying (not to all of them but still).
When I found out he apologised and explained that he had to do that in order to make sure there will be no consequences professionally. He said he did not tell me about it because he did not want me to hurt unnecessarily or think he is doing it because he still has feelings for her. I would understand if he told me but because he didn't we had many fights the first few months (3-4 months). Fights continued even though immediately after I discovered that they text privately,he talked to her and explained that it has to stop. Which it did but I did not believe him at first.
But then I decided that I have to trust him if I want to make it work and stopped with the fights and bringing up the past on regular basis. Then things started to improve between us and we had really great year and a few months together. It was much better than before the affair, I must say. We were really happy. After a year since the affair was discovered I did not even think about it anymore. Completely healed. Until his uncle passed away. The day after the funeral he went on a business trip and since he came back things started to get worse again. And later I discovered the second affair.
But again, in my case my h goes through midlife crisis for several years now so it's different. I just wanted to tell that marriage can survive infidelity and can actually get better if you let it. Even for strong independent women who always believed they would not accept such thing.
I must admit that some of the best memories of the two of us I have are from after his first affair. I thought we had really good marriage before but realised it was not as good as what I thought. Once we started to rebuild the marriage we were really honest with each other, open about our feelings, much more sensitive to the feelings and needs of the other one. We had that before too but it was different. I cannot explain it. It was just better (once I decided to let go of the anger and hurt).
I'm happy to hear that you feel closer to your h and letting some walls down. I have a few friends who survived infidelity and now claim their marriage is much better than before. I hope it will be the same for you!
