Bro, you need to rise above her hysterics and be very strong right now.
Picture a fire fighter. Now, a building is burning. There are people inside. The fire fighter runs in to try to get everyone out. OK, now there's a woman screaming and frantic, "oh my god, the place is on fire, oh my god, we're all going to die, oh, my poor pookie, he's my favorite hamster, oh, this is terrible" and she's not moving or following direction. What does the firefighter do?
I'll tell you what he doesn't do! He doesn't panic. He doesn't care about what she's screaming about. He doesn't try to reason with her. He takes action. He stays focused. What he is doing is too important to allow some hysterical person to interrupting him. So he continues his mission. He doesn't take it personally if she starts screaming at him that it's all his fault, that he started the fire. He knows that while he's only human and has made mistakes, he isn't solely responsible for this fire and he is now here to put it out.
You absolutely MUST let go of allowing her words and moods minute by minute to control your self worth, belief, attitude, and trajectory.
I hesitate to write anything else because as long as you slink around like a dejected puppy dog whimpering and looking for scraps of affection, then growling and snapping when you go without it or when she beats you, nothing good can happen.
Instead find your inner wolf, run out into the wild, join some wolf friends, and go hunt down a wild deer. Seriously.
GAL. Detach. And quit having these R talks. Have you read Sandi's rules (consolidated from DR). They aren't working.
Tell me- are they working? How are they working? You get your little fix of interaction, but it's not leading anywhere positive, and each time she gets a little more tired of it as you do, which is only helping you guys conclude it doesn't work. This isn't working. Stop it.
As for not getting much response, you've gotten some very good responses and have some strong people in your corner. Keep posting.
My main point is that you need to picture how you think a strong man should handle a whiny brat. I'm not saying there's not some underlying merit beyond her pain, but this is not a healthy way of communicating it. You mentioned communication is the key. Well, when the day comes when she wants to work on the M, great, you can go to MC and talk about it until the cows come home. As long as she's attacking and telling you it's over, create some distance, believe none of what she says and half of what she does, GAL, Detach, and let her go on her journey. When she wants to engage, DON'T TELL HER YOU NEED SPACE BECAUSE THIS HURTS YOU, JUST TAKE THE (*&^% SPACE. Actions, not words. Take the actions, stop talking R and engaging with her and explaining, just STFU and walk the walk you need to walk.
It's like feeding a begging dog at the table. Feed a dog at a table and it will be forever. Your teaching your W she can treat you this way, teaching her you'll play these stupid games where she can feel in control, important, pursued, and unanimously in charge of the R, voice her needs, have you when she wants you, not have you when she doesn't, etc, etc. Her emotions are leading her all over, and you're following along. This game is broken. Quit playing. If she wants to play a real game called MARRIAGE then you can play. But this is garbage, and you need to cut it out and set some boundaries.
Believe it or not I have much more I want to say here, but this rant is long enough. Hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I know, I don't know why I did. I thought she was having second thought and she has a control over me. I love her so much and to see her pulling away is killing me. She keeps texting on how much pain this is then the next thing she's talking about how we need to meet and split everything up. She hasn't wore her rings in a month and asked for them today.
Zeus I wish I would have read your post before my last reply. I do understand what you are saying. I guess I'm scared. Idk. I'm trying to detach. She is the one that keeps contacting me and trying to talk about things. Do I just ignore her??
Yes. She has to miss you. She has to see that she is losing you. Anything you do that shows her you are sitting around waiting on her will only prolong the situation. Go out and GAL. If you really want your W back, you need to be willing to let her go.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Well she came over this afternoon with her parents and took all her stuff. Everything that was hers. Her mom was upset and cried some. I cried. I couldn't hold it back. She gave me my key back and just walked out. No goodbye or anything. It hit me at that movement that she's leaving me. This is the same women that called me 2 hours earlier saying how sad she is and really wishes things were different. I broke down after she left and can't quit crying. I feel defeated. I don't know when she will file at this point.
Thanks cadet. I think she already plans to file from the way she acted today. She showed no emotion for the first time. A little bit of anger but no sadness. She wouldn't even look at me. I sit here in our home with a blank stare. We just moved into the place a year ago. It's amazing how life can turn upside down. She said that getting all her things is the last step in having to deal with me and now she can move on with life. She's at her parents so she doesn't have to deal with the loneliness like I do. I just don't know anymore
I have the books on the way. Hopefully they will show up this week. I haven't tried to contact her in anyway and she hasn't either. She's set to get this over asap. Reality is hitting me hard now with her completely moved out. I can't slow this down for her
