Hi girlfriend, (no lesbian overtones in that, lol) Just reading through your thread and wanted to tell you that you have really discovered some amazing things about your self and your relationship with your family. ANd it seemst that you havent' discovered them too late, which makes me very happy!! Dropping the rope: hard to do when you are the fixer, esp if the partner is a PA. (My sitch). Something we mommies need to learn to do with our kids: for them to discover their own strengths and for us to let them grow and go. I planned on doing that when mine hit college and I DID do that. And she has grown, tho not without a few growning pains. It is hard to do when they still live at home, but actually not so hard once they are off in college. But NOT fixing: I have some interesting (I think) tho not really profound thoughts on this, pretty much summed up by Bets, our master fixer. I think too often we are forced into fixing, and then, when we do the best we possibly can, we are RESENTED for being so good at it...called controllng. Fixers are so often the born nurturers, and our fixing is a way of showing love and caring. It hurts so much to be thrown back at us The quote from your thread...on us being afraid NOT of being inadequate but too strong, too capable , too good....WOW that resonated with me. Because my desire for myself to be the best I can be and my expectations that others will try to do the same....this is what my therapist said hurt our marriage. Despite wanting so very much to save my marriage, I just couldn't expect less of me or my family...it seemed wrong. I hate that some people think building self esteem is accomplished by expecting less, asking for less. I think self esteem is accomplished more by being there to support and help in our kids (and partners) good choices and by letting them know that they can do ANYTHING that they put heart and spirit and hard work into. I guess I'm posting this because the fixer is so often abused for only doing what is asked....and I see so much of that here on the boards: the fixers being called controlling and manipulative. It seems you have found a balance Kitty, and that makes me happy!!!
Now to weight: first of all, congrats big time on such an incredible weight loss. I'm thinking that the stagnation period that is so frustrating to you might just be your body 'catching up'...tho I do understand the possibility that it is a psychological issue.
I am wrestling with some of that myself, as you met me at the highest weight of my life...even when pregnant. But I had a husband who told me, when I was 5 months preggers and 60 lbs LESS than now..."I can't handle the weight". So perhaps for me this weight gain is a reverse psych drama. WHile I did the best I could then to be thin, yet deliver a healthy baby....now I think I am rebelling. I had a husband who couldn't or wouldn't love unless I met his need for thin expectation...so now I don't want to be loved unless it is for what is inside of me and not what is outside. BUt truly society does reflect this need, particularly I think in men, to be fascinated with thin. So I have a messed up metabolism to start because of losing baby weight so fast (3 weeks) and then a history of using my extreme will power to NOT EAT (not really anorexic, but somehow screwing up my metabolism nonetheles). So now, when I indulge in eating and drinking like this weekend, I actually LOSE weight, but then I get home and don't eat...and gain. Kinda weird. So...guess my long post is to say CONGRATULATE yourself on the weight loss. And if you are impatient to lose more...then accept that it will require a major change of how you lost the last weight. One thing that seems almost to guarantee weight loss for MOST people is to WALK at @3.5 miles per hour on the treadmill for 45 minutes minimum per day using the incline adjustment to steadily increase the work out. Don't know if you've tried that, but it is normally very effective if you haven't added it to your weight loss regimen before. The second is weights becasue it is true that muscles need more calories..so if you can build muscle, then you can actually burn more just sitting there. I needed something to cause a certain hormone production in addition to these two things...and what I found worked for me was taken off the market (it was killing people..so I guess that was probably a good idea!) but I hope that you are yet young enough that you don't need the added hormone changer.
ANyway, it is so helpful to have a husband SUPPORTING the weight loss instead of fearing it...and I think I'm hearing that that your husband is being supportive.
Anyway: you go girl, and I am here cheering you on, hoping that all of your inner work will save your marriage!!!!
pattie - we all made a pact at the beginning of our weekend 'what happens at the beach stays at the beach' - hehe - but it was fun, i can't believe i was there just a week ago!!!
gd1 - WOW - you really went thru my thread eh? you hit on all the high points - hehe - you know, coming from you, the kudo's you have given me really feel good - feel real - i have come a long way, and i have a long way to go but it's nice to hear 'validation' that i have come so far - you explained nicely and clearly the whole fixer upper thingie - thanks for that - thanks for stoppin by my thread, and maybe we will meet up in florida again!!! and btw - my husband is very supportive of the weight loss!!!
deb - hehe - see my above post to pattie - LOL
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been a long week, had some emotional conversations with quite a few people this week, but applied my db'n principles to them all (including some i learned at the beach) and happy to say i have come out a winner on the other side
Hey KK - Congratulations - in an earlier post you had mentioned not recalling the date except for some paperwork - good stuff. You have really moved on, awesome. Have a great Sunday, one that started early for you Slowly
Hey KK - don't know if you're on this afternoon (Sunday) but I wanted to give you advance warning that I'm about to post on my thread. I know you have been hating missing the party - so I wanted to give you fair opportunity to get over there and kick my a$$. I'm suspecting that my post will bring out the butt kicker in you so I didn't want you to miss out.
Otherwise have a great day - and after I post I'll be sure to put on my padded suit to protect myself from your tough self. (And hey - you know I think you're the best right?) Totally
Slowly