Well she texted... Guess I should have known it was coming. Wanted to know if was home (she's wanting to get more of her stuff out of the house). I replied that I am but I have company and put my phone down. She blew it up wanting to know who is at her house (I owned the house in my name only before we got married). I finally replied about a hour later saying my parents. By this time she is mad and goes on how nothing has changed with me. Assumed I was at my brothers house the other night when I was home. (I posted a pic with my niece on fb). Goes on to say I need to let her know when she can get her stuff and this is my fault. I replied ok that I would let her know a day late next week or weekend and got a thank you. She's back to having anger with me...
Just let her vent and let her be angry. She's got to find her own way through this. Detach, 180 and GAL. Focus on you and your issues. Become the man that she would be a fool to leave. I think your interaction with her above is exactly what you need to be doing.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
That is what I'm trying to do. I didn't even want to respond but she text 4 times in 10 minutes wanting to know who I had over. Then just gets mad and tries to bring up the past which I didn't respond to. She is just so set on getting the few things she has left out of the house. She's staying at her parents so there is no reason to move it. She also mentioned she wants to split up the wedding gifts. I just feel like she doesn't care at all and wants out for good.
She can get them whenever she would like. I'm not preventing it but she doesn't want to do it when I'm home. She text late last night talking about how sad she is and can't quit crying. She went on to say that she thinks of me and the last few days have made her sick not talking but she can't be with me. She wanted to know how I felt and I just said I was too emotionally exhausted to feel anything right now and that this is what she wanted. She finally asked what I wanted and I screwed up and said to be happy together and work on our marriage. She stopped texting after that but I think she fell asleep since it was 1am. I haven't heard anything since from her.
Today is her birthday. I want to text her happy birthday but I don't know if I should??
bsb, her actions are confusing because she is confused, she may want to believe you can change but she has memories of trying to get you to change and you not doing so.
Right now it's important that you do change, not for her but for you, so you are a better person. You said a light bulb went off in your head when you read one book, well there are many more light bulbs you need to turn on.
For now, be kind and supporting to her when she reaches out, but don't reach out to her, give her space to figure herself out. When you talk to her, don't tell her how much you've learned, show her. Validate her feelings (read the homework cadet gave you), and when she's not reaching out to you use that time to look into yourself and improve things one at a time.
...
Bsb, I can't put it any better than coconut did. All of the above should be your focus. The more you can get focus off her and onto you the more balanced you will feel. You need that balance to get stronger and fix your issues.
What are you doing to fix you right now?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I'm not getting much response on here but I do feel better posting. Yesterday went from feeling ok to feeling horrible. I texted happy birthday and that was it. She tried to make a little small talk but I was busy. Late last we texted a little more then she called. I just wanted to tell her happy birthday and goodnight. She unloaded on me. Said how angry she is, doesn't love me, and just wants it over with. I just sat there and took of for 30 minutes until i started to cry from things she was saying. It was the worst feeling in the world. She hung up and 30 minutes later started texting saying sorry for being so mean. I had it at this point and just said I cant do this anymore. I'm just exhausted and it's causing severe stress. She didn't have much to text except saying sorry and wanted to know why I loved her. This morning she did the same thing and says she wishes she can let the past go and that she cares but just can't and wants to divorce. She plans to get the rest of her things this week, maybe today. I was feeling a little better till this happen and now I'm back to square one. Help!!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm not getting much response on here but I do feel better posting. Yesterday went from feeling ok to feeling horrible. I texted happy birthday and that was it. She tried to make a little small talk but I was busy. Late last we texted a little more then she called. I just wanted to tell her happy birthday and goodnight. She unloaded on me. Said how angry she is, doesn't love me, and just wants it over with. I just sat there and took of for 30 minutes until i started to cry from things she was saying. It was the worst feeling in the world. She hung up and 30 minutes later started texting saying sorry for being so mean. I had it at this point and just said I cant do this anymore. I'm just exhausted and it's causing severe stress. She didn't have much to text except saying sorry and wanted to know why I loved her. This morning she did the same thing and says she wishes she can let the past go and that she cares but just can't and wants to divorce. She plans to get the rest of her things this week, maybe today. I was feeling a little better till this happen and now I'm back to square one. Help!!
You really have to work on detaching and boundaries. Why the heck would you sit on the phone and take the abuse? Glutton for punishment? How did they phone conversation in any way help anyone?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
