Feeling Lost 3

[srt]

I've given some time to thinking over comments from others and again I suppose I'm torn.

Recent interactions w W are going downhill, she is more argumentative, distancing etc etc. I've just stopped the pursuit now and will definitely be on tough love for as far as I can see into the future (forever?).

I suppose these, and some recent reflection has led me to the place I am at the moment. I feel a bit more at peace with myself. I still have regrets about things I should have/have not done, but equally I see that if W wanted to R these are not barriers. Increasingly I feel like a badly treated plan B.

This is starting to creep into how I feel about W, in terms that her treatment of me is unjust and very selfish. Like I have previously said I still want to R, I just cannot see it happening without a major shift in her attitude. W was the one who cheated, W was the one who could not express her dissatisfaction with things, W was the one who decided to separate, W is the one who has complaints about the way things are.

W SHOULD BE PREPARED TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE SOME ACTION. I've tried and been open and everything I can think of to little or no effect. I can feel the appetite I have for this waning and a desire to move on slowly starting to ignite.

Yes I have kids and the effect on them will not be good, but I tell myself this was not my choice, and I don't deserve to exist like this in perpetuity at the decision of someone else.

My hope she would come out of her "fog" is still there but seems just as far away as ever. Increasingly I see her "fog~" as anything but that - just a sense of entitlement to do as she pleases whilst keeping everyone else at her beck and call.

So the way I see it I have 2 choices (or 1 route - step 1 then 2)

1. Continue to DB and totally drop the rope. See if any meaningful change comes forward regarding an R whilst accepting it may now be TOTALLY over. Wonder if W will ever WAKE UP and smell the coffee.

However this sitch is not good for my mental health, and certainly not good for our kids.

or

2. Basically do a reverse bomb-drop and announce I am D'ing her. Book into counselling to do this and basically drop all her [censored] back on her with bells on (by this I mean mega truth dart rocket, and give her ownership of the mess she has landed us in). After that maybe an ultimatum deadline and when that day arrives, proceed and never look back.

The most gutting thing as always is our children and everything we had invested in this. To have it cut and torn away seems very selfish and cruel i.e. she did not go through a respectable path with all this, simply followed her selfish desires.

In other news W health continues to be no better. She still seems pained and in denial of many things. D tells me her relationship with her mother is worse than ever, only her father (who I happen to know has cheated before) seems to be the person who is able to get close to her.

Just before submitting this I know it reads very accusatory. I suppose I'm rejecting the guilt which has tried to have been placed at my feet. Yes I did have my part to play in this story but I know my actions have been honourable. It is what it is, I am willing to do the work to fix it, I wonder if she is?