I let go. And planning to stick to it for some time.
It's been busy few weeks. I got back to work full time this week. My energy levels almost back to normal (almost). Even started some light regular exercise. Really necessary as I just started baking for Xmas... I love this time of the year. My teenage boys still like to bake Xmas cookies with me. And the smell of the house the whole month... Just love it!
Lot of things happened since my last post. Including my visit to h's bachelor's pad. Did not really feel like going there but it was necessary. Long story...
But I decided to let go. As I posted before, he asked for help to find a therapist. I talked to him about it and finished the discussion by sending him an e-mail which I had in my drafts for some time. I suggested in it some self help books before he contacts any of the therapists I suggested. I thought about it a lot and I'm still afraid that if he goes to therapy now it may not bring the results he is expecting. But now it's up to him.
I did my job. He is starting to wake up a little so I hope he will do the necessary. I cannot have any more of those conversations with him. I am losing more and more respect for him with every single one. If ever I want to be back with him one day (which for the moment I'm not so sure about anymore) I cannot completely lose respect for him.
He did not like our last conversation and wanted to run away from it (the excuse for him to stop the conversation was me smirking). I did not let him. I really cannot continue like this. After such discussions he usually stopped contacting me for a few days. Lately he keeps in contact even if I react to maybe 1 of 5 of his attempts. He is now on a business trip to Asia for a few days and keeps telling me he misses kids. I wish he felt the same when he's just a few kilometers away and can come to visit them... Anyway, I no longer hurt for them not seeing their father often. They seem to be fine with the situation, that's the most important.
Before all this happened I agreed I will not go for Xmas to my family, which we do every year (I will go after Xmas). He did not ask but many times hinted so I told him not to worry that I cannot really leave him alone for Xmas so will stay home with the kids and spend it with him. He seemed happy and said he will help me drive to our second home from where it's not far to my parents. And immediately after our discussion he bought a plane ticket for him to come back so I can spend the rest of the holidays alone with the kids. I know he does not deserve it but I just cannot leave him alone for Xmas. I know he will not go to his parents so I could not do it to him.
A few days ago he learnt that he needs a surgery. I am not happy about this. The last time he had a "routine" surgery his heart stopped and he was on a life support for a week. That's when the MLC started to show. Now it's supposed to be another "routine" operation. Well, we'll see how it goes and what kind of psychological impact it will have on him this time... I told him to let me know if he wants/needs my help, or wants to come home for the recovery after the operation. But I will not insist on anything. It's up to him.
He is trying hard to make amends with the kids. He is making a lot of efforts in general. He is contacting me much more. But he runs and hides when there is a small problem or things don't go the way he wants them to go. And then he's fast to tell me again and again that he does not want me in his life and has no other choice than to file for divorce...
Strangely, it has zero impact on me. While before I would not sleep after such conversation now it leaves me cold.
