Hanging on and hoping for the best

[BillyHo]

Anybody have any thoughts on my sitch? Should I keep doing what I'm doing. I feel like this is a MLC sitch but I don't know for sure. Does it really change how I approach it. She has really started to drink a lot more and gets drunk almost every time she is with her/our friends. The kids haven't been totally pushed aside but they do take a backseat to her selfish needs. She has pretty much stopped going to church all together. She doesn't hang out with people that will tell her what she's doing is wrong. I see her struggling from day to day with what she wants to do. I hope that our seperation will help her find some clarity.

[Jug]

If you ultimately want to stay married, follow the rules to a t. If you don't, you will more naturally follow the rules anyway. Get really honest about how well you are following them because they really work but don't when people bend them. It's hard as heck to detach but we all have to. Most of us are in similar situations and some days are better than others. It svcks but it's normal. Hang in there.

As for being nice, I do like the idea of treating them like a houseguest. Don't bend over backwards for her.

[BillyHo]

Thank you for this Jug. I am doing my best to follow the rules. In just the short time that I have been doing that I have seen her slowly become more curious about what is going on with me. She sees a change in me(she said as much). The main thing is don't get overly excited and ruin all the hard work I'm putting in.

Detachment is like the holy grail of this whole process. There are times recently that I have thought "oh this is what being detached feels like" only to be reminded the next day that I'm not all the way there yet. I hope that the separation will help me in this area.

She talks like we are going to see each other all the time and it will be great. While we do have kids together I don't know that seeing each other that often is what's best for either of us or our sitch. I will continue to follow the rules and do my best not to slip up. Thanks again for the reply.

[BillyHo]

We had a talk about the seperation the other night. What furniture she will take, schedules with the boys and other randomness. She said she isn't looking to date or find anyone else. Just said she want to see what it's like to be on her own. Even had the nerve to ask if she could have her girlfriends over to the hot tub after she moves out. I said no when you leave you lose that privilege.

Overall a decent talk but just that small interaction gets me back to feeling anxious and thinking about her and what she is doing. I hope once she leaves the detachment will come much easier. It's tough seeing her every day.

[doodler]

I said no when you leave you lose that privilege.

BillyHo,

Good boundary. Good for you!

In my experience, it does get easier after she leaves.

[BillyHo]

So I think I screwed up tonight. W wanted to go to a store that she was just at 2 days ago. I thought it was fishy because when she went before my S10 texted her to see where she was at 8:40 she said target. The next day I see the receipt and she checked out at the store at 6:50. Tonight she wanted to go again so my BIL followed her. She ran in and back out in 5 min. Then she drove away from home. He lost her but I called and said are you still at the store I need something. She said yes even though she left 40 min earlier. We argued and she continued to swea she was there. She then didn't come home until 2:30 in the morning. I know she's up to something but I guess I should have left it alone.

[BillyHo]

Rough day today. Went with W and kids to my families for TG. After W left to spend some time with her sister I told my whole family (not my boys) that W is moving out. The outpouring of love I received from them felt so good. I am very lucky to have all of my family nearby to help support me through this.

All day W tried to engage me in small talk and asking a couple times if I'm ok. After last night, if she felt she was being wrongfully accused there is no way she would even want to look at me. Every time she addressed me I felt no desire to engage with her at all.

After dinner and some conversation with my family, my sister said she would watch the boys for a while. My BIL and I went to a friends house and watched some football. Time to pick up the pace on the GAL! Tomorrow I pick up my new SUV and then going with BIL and a friend to a cigar bar.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am so thankful to have this place for so much advice and support.

[BillyHo]

Had a very busy day yesterday. Had to work until about 2. At around 12 I sent W a text that I would be out most of the night. I got home and went about my business, doing my bills, getting my banking in order and getting cleaned up and ready to go out. Ever since I caught her in the lie a couple nights ago she has been trying to engage me in small talk and acting as if it never happened. I have been very limited in my responses and not interested in interacting with her. As I'm doing things she finally says "is there something we need to talk about?" She said "we had a couple of days with good convorsations and then since the other night you are acting different". I calmly said "the other night was not a good night and that I am not interested in any conversations until we can be honest with each other". I then went back to what I was doing.

This was really tough for me since I am one to want to talk things out. I am not sure if this is considered setting a boundary or not but I feel these conversations are pointless if she is going to lie to me to hide what I have to assume is OM. It amazes me how she can not talk to me for 2 months and think that's ok but I don't talk to her for 2 days and she is constantly trying to engage me in conversation. I also think it's very telling that as early as the next day after confronting her she was acting as if nothing happened. If I was being falsely accused I would be pissed for a while. I think maybe she thought I was buying her BS excuses but when I told her we can't talk until she can be honest there can be no doubt in her mind now.

I left and had a great night out with my BIL and another friend. We picked up my new SUV, went and had some wings and then went over to another friends house to hang out for a few hours. I got home around 11:30 and she was still up. I got ready for bed and she kind of hovered around in "my" MBR taking off her jewelry. She asked if I liked my new truck and I said it's great and jumped into bed and went right to sleep.

She is going out today with her "sisters". It's funny how once that trust is broken you think everything they tell you is a lie. So now I am going to continue to try to detatch and not be concerned if she is being truthful or not. It is s lot easier said than done.

Any comment on how I am handling this sitch would be appreciated.

[BillyHo]

Well.....I am a weak, weak man. Just 2 days of acting as if and serious GALing and she pulls out the big guns. She followed me around the house so I went to my room to read. What do you know she decides that would be a good time to sort some mismatched socks that have been there forever. I just stared at my iPad the whole time. She then threw a sock at me and said do you want to shut that door and lock it for a little while. I said why would I do that? She said you know why. I asked her why and she said she was horny. Keep in mind the last time we attempted to ML she cried after 1min and she said it is too emotional. Also just 3 days ago she said that sex is emotional for a woman and that's why she can't do it right now. So back to today. She said she wanted to have sex and that it wouldn't upset her because she really needed it. So anyway, I caved and there was no crying or anything like that.

After we talked about the other night when I caught her in the lie. She said she went to a bar after she went shopping. She said again there is no one else and she wasn't ready for that. She said she doesn't know if this (her and I together) is what she wants or not. I told her I want to be able to believe you and trust you. She said then let's start over. I still don't know what that means. She's still moving out next month. I guess there is no way to know what any of this means. I want to believe that if there was a OM that she wouldn't even consider ML to me but who knows.

I am assuming this is the ultimate temp check. The sad thing is I knew it was coming. I told my pastor, who is also one of my best friends, that at some point I expected her to try to get my attention by coming on to me. little did I know it would be an hour later. I was prepared to say "no thanks" but like I said I am weak.

I assume I don't let this interrupt my GAL and acting as if. Did I make a big mistake here? What do you think?

[Steady9]

Well for me it depends. If you can still get out of bed and act as what if... that is a good start... I think women can tell if you can do it. I think she came on to you because of your brief showing of pulling back and she was temp checking... obviously I am just guessing with the little bit of detail I can read from your posts.

Probably best not to have sex.... but i am like you.... can be tough not too some times. So if you cave, at least act as detached as possible afterwards.... I mean right afterwards... no smiling, etc, you could say "thanks" but that is much as I would say, and not smile so to speak... maybe like a one night stand and you got to go.... (I am only saying this once you cave... and you are in the middle of it, then at least salvage the rest...)

That is my humble suggestion. Also, you may backslide, but then quickly keep the 180 etc going. And also, I think it has nothing to do with weather a OM is involved. Just b/c she has sex with you -means nothing regards to OM. The only time she will pull the crying or emotional talk is when she is trying to push you away. In this case she may have noticed you pulling away so she did this on purpose.....