I did not read all of your threads but from what I read you are afraid to fully get in. Which I completely understand. Just like you, I never thought I would forgive infidelity and all the destruction it brings to the family (and extended family and even friends). For me it was a deal breaker. Until it happened to me...
I am a very strong and independent woman who does not really need a man but wants one. So, I always thought that I rather be alone than living with someone who betrays me. But when it happened to me, I realised that while my h should have thought better, should have been stronger etc., I was not ready to destroy our family for that. I was hurting like I could never imagine I would. But at the end I forgave him. And I learnt that if you want to succeed in getting back together you need to forgive.
Your mom is right, you are punishing him. And I totally get it, I was doing the same. Until I realised that if I want to make it work, I have to stop that. And I can tell you, it can be done. It took us some time but I made a mental list of pros and cons and decided that if I want my family back I have to trust him again even if it means that my heart will be broken again. So I did. It was not as easy as it may sound. There were better days and worse. I did not completely stop thinking about it and I did bring it up from time to time.
All you need to get over it is time. So, try to think less about the past and live more in the present. Don't think about the future. Especially don't think about the fact that you may get hurt again. Yes, you may. Or you may not. The chance is 50-50. The question is, what is worse, throwing away the chance to be truly happy, or try to be happy and maybe get hurt.... Btw, you are not punishing just him, you are punishing yourself.
It took me one year to completely stop thinking about h's affair. What helped us was a few weekends away, just the two of us. Not all of them were purely romantic. One of them turned out to be a disaster even (yes, it was me who ruined it, recalling things I should have left buried but just couldn't help myself). But it was all part of the healing process.
Granted, once I was completely over the first affair, soon after I discovered the second one. But my h is in a full blown MLC and I should have known better than reconciling with him before his MLC was over. In your case, your h seems to be doing all the right things so do not look at my experience as an example of how things may turn out between you two.
Is there a guarantee that everything works out well? No. Is there a chance that if you let go of your anger and fear things can be much better than before his affair? Yes. The only question is, are you willing to take a risk.
I must say that I do not regret reconciling with my h after his first affair. We had really great time and our kids were so happy to see us all loved up again, until a death in his family sucked him back to his MLC. Yes, if I knew that time that if MLC is not fully completed it comes back and gets much worse second time, I would have waited with the reconciliation. But I still don't regret it.
From what you write and what some other posters say, it seems that your presence on this board is holding you back. Forgive me for saying this but, in my opinion, you are taking it all wrong. You should not hold back out of "loyalty" for those of us here whose spouses are still acting out. I think our stories should serve you to understand your husband and the reasons why he did what he did better. You should realise that he is just a human being who makes mistakes, who was weak, etc. Yes, he should have known better but... He is definitely not the only one.
I do not want to excuse any cheaters. It makes me angry that they do not think about consequences and how much their actions hurt others. But this board did help me to understand my h and his reasons better. I even forgave him for his second affair (which now seems to be over) even though I do not want him back now (at least not yet). But I do understand him better. Try to do the same.
I wish you all the best! I do hope that with time it will get much easier for you and you will fall in love with your h again. And I hope that it happens before he gives up trying...
