Under a Big Umbrella

[HaWho]

Okay, 24 hours later, I finally awoke from my food coma.

Thanksgiving was interesting. I cannot get over how much happier I am this year! I had a really nice day.

H and I took the kids sonewhere fun before dinner. We sat together and watched them play. I felt no discomfort and no awkwardness. What a contrast from last year. It was a bit cold and h offered to buy me a tea. I said no at first but he insisted and I was glad I had it as the afternoon grew colder. The boys had a great time; so many smiles and laughs.

H had his sense of humor about him. He sent a few funny pictures to his family. They were photos that demonstrated his old sense of humor.

At one point at the start of dinner, the boys went out together to get a nice picture of the sunset. H and I were alone. He said something I didn't catch. So I asked him to repeat it. He had said that our family was small and even smaller now with the two kids outside. I laughed at the wit. It was funny as he always wanted a really large family.

It's odd how memories can flash to you in an insant. Years ago, h and I had a really silly argument. I can't even remember what it was about but at the end he told me I was not part of his family! I am patient, but when I get mad I get really mad. (My BIL who I have known for years saw me mad at him once and his wife, my sister, said "ohhh, this is really rare to see her mad. Now you're going to get it. BIL said he was so shocked to see my quick tongue lash out and that side of me.)

I told h to apologize. He would not. (He was already in the MLC anger phase I now realize.). We were in the car and I told him to pull over. I got out and walked home 2 miles in a dress, my heels in my hands and smoke coming out of my ears. About a mile in he pulled over and told me to please get in the car and I said NO! He followed alongside for a bit until I told him I would call the police and report him for harassing me!!! He drove off, finally.

So, I had forgotten that. I wonder if he wasn't already "talking" to his mom even back then as he always told me she wasn't really his family. That was 4 or 5 years ago. Not sure how early in MLC they can project?!?

Later on the boys are sitting near each other. And they lean in and kind of hug. All bias aside, they really are kind boys. Most siblings their age are at each others' throats. H turned to me and his look showed his endearment over it. Most boys do not show that affection openly for anyone, never mind a brother. Whenever they ask for something I always joke: I already gave you the gift of a lifetime--your brother. This induces a lonnng groan and impressive eye roll.

At the end of dinner we all got up from the table and s13 hugged h. Then s11 did. I was just going to walk by, but h opened up his arms and we hugged. That is the first hug he has intitiated in so long. As we walked he put his hand on my hip and kind of guided me. He did the same on the stairs. So like his old self.

But I am worried. I felt nothing. No sadness, no pain, no resentment, no nostalgia; really and truly, no emotion whatsoever. I am concerned about that.

Don't think the night was not touched by MLC though. We watched a movie, a favorite of h's from childhood. The second the movie ended? H immediately said: "every person in that film is now dead." Ahh, there's that sunny side of MLC. S13 asked: does that depress you? H dodged the question.

I thanked him for a nice day. He thanked me for the nice company. And the first thing that came to my mind was: there could be a lot of men who would enjoy my company.

There was one moment that was odd. At the end of the movie, h saw another rated R movie on and asked if I'd seen it. I said I had and that it was good. I thought he was just being conversational. But later, upstairs by myself I remembered him telling the kids they couldn't watch it and I wonder if he wasn't angling to watch it alone with me?!? Who knows. The thing is, it just does not occur to me that we would do anything alone without the kids. It wasn't even on my radar.