Phase 2 contd (2)

[Pax_luv]

Hello. Hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving.

As usual, I'm deeply appreciative for all of your words. Thank you.

Hawho, going back to your feedback- Thank you. Your thoughts about letting go when others are mad at you is brilliant. I want to get to that place more than anything. I am so insanely fearful of what other people think in relation to those in me and H's circle. I have this mindset to a degree outside of that, but I'm paralyzed with fear when it comes to him. I'm so scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. I am consciously trying to work through this every day.... Trying all my detachment tricks and my own attempt at aversion therapy. I think I'm afraid of them being mad at me because at the end of the day I haven't done anything wrong. (That's the ego talking again) .... But truly, ive done nothing. Not one single action has been done to deliberately negatively affect h and yet I am the monster and people in my former life have sided with h. It's emotionally challenging living in the twilight zone. And it's a paradox that I need to work on fixing.... See my next statement.....

This kind of speaks to the larger issue. Stbx's control over me. I didn't see it then, but I do now. I was his puppet and I gave him every ounce of power because I learned early on in our relationship that I couldn't fight or disagree with or even have an opinion of my own that differed from his. It didn't matter, I was always wrong... Wrong... Wrong.... Wrong. Then I was made to feel stupid for not doing something right, time after time after time. And do not get me started on the money. He was a finance guy so I trusted him with all my pennies. He always told me I would never understand the inner workings of our finances so I just trusted him.... Blindly. Stupid girl. On this same token, I can say I haven't done anything to him and that's because I've always conceded. Even though I'm deliberately not being a raging b* (it's not in my nature) He's very used to me not rocking the boat. He's used to me not doing anything to hurt or harm him or the situation.


So back to the legal issue and the dog. I've been still this entire time. As mentioned, were still in the intake process so there's no reason for me to be taking the offense. I feel like h is running around wielding his sword while I'm just sitting here with my shield (my L). I haven't succumbed to any of his demands so he's getting angrier and angrier. I've always rolled over the second he demanded something. This is new for him.

With regards to the dog. He hit me at my weakest spot. I'm a huge animal lover and I love my dog. What he did was the lowest of the low. And per usual.... I havent actually done anything here to make it worse either.

Let me explain- he texted me to tell me he was going out of town for thanksgiving, he's taking the dog and will be back next week. I told him I thought I was having him longer because he told me he was flying out of town and we never discussed me giving up my time or negotiated otherwise. He told me things change and he's sorry I'm disappointed. I told him I'm not disapointed, but I feel disrespected because he has not asked me if I was willing to give up my time. I have not agreed to this. He said, my decision to take him was not made out of any disrespect to you. I said, therein lies the issue "your decision to take him." That was the end of the convo.

Next thing I know.... I get the email from lawyer that shows h spew about how the dog is his property and should have custody.... This amongst my ignorance... Etc

Funny how he never mentioned to my lawyer that he was a pissy little brat who was intentionally uncooperative and that is why this new legal issue has developed.

If I'm doing anything glaringly wrong, please let me know. Clearly, it seems like I haven't been doing any 180's as my nicey- nicey behavior has been consistent. Im willing to hear advice on how to do this differently. Please... Help me to do this differently.

Ugh he's such a giant EXPLETIVE!