MLC H at age 32, maybe single mum with a toddler S

[Zues126]

You're a very loving partner and I appreciate you doing your best to stand for your marriage.

I like your idea of rereading DR.

Today he came to take S out for a few hours. I decided to focus on the positive and thanked him for being able to listen even when he was upset with me. He started to show concern for my sickness, made a doctor appointment, drove me there, and gave me money to pay for the doctor. Wow... haven't had that treatment for 4 months! I also thank him for keep paying the mortgage. He said, I put you in this situation, i need to take some responsibility even if hits me financially. Not saying it's sign that we are out of the wood, but I am glad to know that caring person I know it's still there somewhere, and I was allowed a look in today. I must of been doing something right?

The main point of my last post was that tying your emotions to his behavior, then trying to influence his behavior with your behavior, this is a good way to go insane.

How can I get him to _____? I can't believe that when I did ____ he did ______! Maybe if I ______ he'll ______... AND SO ON.

This doesn't work for so many reasons. First of all, it is controlling behavior, and it will feel controlling to him. When a man feels controlled, like he is a puppet being tugged on, his reaction is to try to create MORE DISTANCE so he is outside of your influence. Secondly, you become more and more attached to his behavior. What he does creates more and more impact on your emotional frame of mind. And finally, it doesn't work, and you will just be beating your head against a wall again and again, wondering why you can't find a way to act that will give you the outcome you want.

Have you heard of Allanon? It is a group designed to help the spouses and family of alcoholics, because many of these individuals destroy their lives by contorting themselves around their loved one's drinking. Trying to nag them to quit. Reward them to quit. Hiding bottles. Shaming. Punishing. Guilting. Etc. In the end, they must learn to let this person go. They may drink forever. They may not. But whatever that person does, they have to be the one to do it, and the best thing they can do is drop the rope.

Still having trouble detaching. I care about him a lot. Guess just need to not let his action affect me so much? I am not doing anything else until I read DR again.

As for loving, I posted this the other day:

The problem is that newcomers saying "I love my WAS so much I will do anything to save my M", are really saying "I need my WAS so please show me how to control their behavior so I get what I want when I want it!"

Selfish.
Controlling.
Diminishing pain and feelings of WAS.
Impatient.
Unappreciative.
I could go on.

Fighting to save the M is a noble spin on some really unattractive and destructive emotions and behaviors.

This site is about fighting to save the marriage by letting go of those behaviors and becoming a partner that someone would CHOSE to be with, not finding a way to manipulate someone back into a dysfunctional relationship with a puppet master.

Those are all human emotions, no shame in feeling them. Hopefully it helps to see the two roads so you can choose day by day which you want to travel.

The right answer is to really detach.

Someone got mad, said there is a lot of talk about detaching, but not much on how to do that. Well, I've already written a lot here so I won't make a separate thread about how to detach, but I think there should be a sticky with tips on how. But sometimes the easiest way to define the 'DOs' is to identify the 'DON'Ts'. Hopefully my post here has helped you see what doesn't work and why.

What are the times when you feel most attached to his behavior? What are the thoughts you have the start with "I need him to" or "I want him to" or "I hope he", etc? For me, I'd start by examining those situations. This usually comes from the idea that things will only be "OK" if he does what you want, and that if he doesn't that things will be "Not OK". When you feel that your life will be happy or wrecked forever depending on what he chooses, of course you'll be attached! Which is why detaching truly means learning to accept the loss of your marriage and finding a way to move forward and finding some type of peace even in a situation that you never asked for.

DR poses the question of what you'd do if your H died. In that case you couldn't control him back to the marriage. No, it's not what you wanted. But you'd have to keep going.

For me what saved me was APPRECIATION. How dare I look at God and say that despite my health, children, loving family, many gifts I've been given, place to live, food, and wonderful experience to enjoy, despite all of that, I couldn't possibly enjoy any of it and it was all one big pile of $hit if I didn't get my XW back, without her I couldn't possibly be happy...if I really felt that way, if I was that impossible, if I was really THAT unappreciative, would one woman really suddenly put my heart at ease and make me happy? I don't think so. I used that as a challenge, and I learned to be happy and appreciative in my life with or without my ex. And a good thing too, because she wasn't coming back!

In fact, I've never been happier, because for the first time this forced me to learn to be appreciative. Divorce is horrible and you will not find a bigger opponent of divorce than me. You won't. I'm not saying my divorce 'was a good thing'. Nope. I still feel that my wife was murdered and I am now co-parenting the children with her murderer. Don't get me started. But the point is that was out of my control, and while my life is permanently crippled in some ways compared to what could've been, I am enjoying what is left to me more than I enjoyed what I had before.

OK, I'll put a cork in it. This is tough and you're very new in your sitch. Keep posting, keep reading, and keep reflecting. It's a process. I'm sorry you're in pain Maybe.