Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

My first family holiday (I've avoided all the other ones since he left) without STBXH, and it was good. There was that awkward moment when one of my uncles asked as a way of making friendly conversation, "So, where's your other half?" I just sat there for a couple beats before simply saying "I don't have one of those anymore." My uncle just didn't know. He asked if I was divorced now and I said that it was in process. I felt bad for him because I could see that he felt badly, and said that he was sorry to hear it. Other than that, STBXH didn't come up at all, and that was fine by me.

Most of the time these days I just feel a low grade discomfort, like there is something "off." It's not a longing or an ache anymore, so much as a sense of discontinuity in my life, a feeling that things have changed in a way not of my choosing and I am just going along with it because the current is too strong to swim against and it is all beyond my control.

And there is a tinge of sadness underlying everything, too. Today is a day that has always been about family for me, and I am reminded very strongly that mine is irreparably changed. Today, surrounded by so many family members of all ages, I was reminded of what I gave up for choosing STBXH. I don't have any children, nor will I have grandchildren of my own, and I don't have him, either. Every once in a while that realization creeps up on me and knocks me for a loop.

Sometimes journaling brings emotions that I have been stuffing down welling back up to the surface, and this entry is no exception. My sadness has spiked as I've been writing. Time to move on to more amusing topics...

Farm update: My flock of birdies have been stepping up their production, and I have been collecting 7-8 eggs a day again. The older birds are starting to lay after their annual molt/laying vacation, and their eggs are pretty huge. The young girls are starting to produce eggs more regularly, though they are often quite small and adorable. I have been able to keep up with demand at my roadside egg box again, and am selling a dozen every 2-3 days. Good girls! It's not at all lucrative, but it's satisfying to know that my girls are feeding other families.

I haven't gotten anywhere on their outdoor run since our little blizzard event. I'm waiting for the snow to melt so I can get back to work again. Time is running very short. I wish I hadn't procrastinated so badly, but that blah feeling I get can be hard to shake, and I was deep in its thrall last week.

I've tapered my AD meds again, and I'm now down to 20 mg of Prozac, half the dose I was taking over the summer. I haven't taken any Xanax in at least 6 weeks, and the previous dose was weeks before that, so that is distinct progress. On the other hand, is the AD tapering contributing to my lack of motivation, and underlying sadness? Who knows. Drugs or no drugs, I know I still have a lot to work through. I'll have to abandon the crutches eventually. I think I'll sit at 20 mg at least through the holidays, particularly given the fact that they will bring me a boat-load of reminders.

I hope that everyone is doing OK today. Holidays can be hard for a lot of reasons, and I hope that we all can reclaim the joy in these days.

Hugs to all.